flowers for no reason....

...are the best kind of flowers! josh surprised me with this beautiful bouquet yesterday when he came home from work. we're also going on a date tomorrow :) these things make me smile.

my head is filling up with lists of things to remember and take for our trip to canada. traveling with a baby will be quite different than the many trips we have made before. thankfully, my mom has most of the big things we'll be needing while we're there, including a carseat and stroller. we bought a cheap little umbrella stroller today just so we'd have something to push him in when we're at the airports. he's much to heavy for the baby bjorn now.

by the way, i've been meaning to mention that we will be at gardner park on saturday, july 14 in the afternoon (i wish i could give more of a specific time, but it will all depend on tristan's nap i'm afraid) anyone who reads this and wishes to come out and see us is welcome to. its very difficult to see so many people in such a short amount of time, plus be able to spend quality time with my immediate family, so this way we'll be able to see many of you at once.

i can't believe that tristan will be 6 months old tomorrow! i look at pictures of him as a newborn and can't even tell that he is the same baby! this half a year has definitely been the most challenging time of my life, but also the most rewarding. he has his 6 month checkup and shots on monday, so i'll let you know how much he weighs...i'm guessing at least 20 lbs. he is becoming quite a pro at sitting up on his own, though he took quite a tumble the other day. i looked away for just a moment as he was sitting on the bed, and he managed to bend forward, and fall headfirst off the edge of the bed, landing on his head! i know that every child ends up having a tumble or two, but it still shook me up. the days of leaving him alone unsupervised are ending very quickly!

about time for some pictures

the day my mom arrived was a beautiful sunny sunday. we came home from the airport ravenous and shared a plate of yummy nachos :) every day tristan's sleep habits improved even more. he still has a bit of a cough, but other than that he is back to his normal, happy self. thanks again, mom for all you did for us while you were here. i don't know what i would have done without you!

my mom watched tristan one evening while josh and i got to go out and do some errands alone. we finished the flower garden at the side of the house, so i'll be taking some pictures of it to post. the day my mom flew out, our friends thad and lauren flew in from tennessee. thad is a southern boy who went to school in england with josh and me and became great friends with josh. then he went to spring school in austria. while there, he met a girl from the EXACT same hometown as me! they ended up falling in love and got married just days before our "second wedding" in july of 04. lauren and i went to the same highschoool, though she's a few years younger than me, so we don't remember each other. we sure have lots in common, though being mennonite and all, especially since they just found out that they will be having a baby this december! i told them that american/menno babies are the cutest :)

father's day is a big deal in the stewart household, what with the 3 stewart boys having their birthdays only a few days apart. from left to right we have: gramps, rob, johnny, josh, brad and thad. tons of presents, lots of yummy food and fun times had by all. tristan was especially good that day, even though lots of people around usually throws him. he gave some great big giggles to his grandpa and didn't mind being passed around.

the last evening that thad and lauren were here, we all decided to introduce thad to the great game of dutch blitz. tristan had a bit of a hard time settling that night, and because we all knew how loud the game could get, we played it on our bed as far away from tristan's room as possible! of course josh smoked us all :)

this past week, tristan has had a few firsts. he has officially now started solids, though we unoffically started him on monday by giving him a big chunk of watermelon to see what he'd do with it. he slurped and sucked on that thing and fussed every time he dropped it! the next day i put a piece of banana into a little mesh baggie for babies so that he could suck on it without me having to worry about him choking on it. he made a great big mess, but obviously enjoyed it thoroughly. so the day after that i went to the green grocer and picked up a few jars of organic baby food. i know, i know i could easily make it myself, but we don't have a food processor yet. i started him on pears yesterday morning. some odd faces came out, but he ate them anyhow. then, in the evening, i had josh feed him some more pears and he got so into it! he'd open his mouth so wide and try to pull the spoon toward him with his hands. he was getting so hyped up that he would actually shake in between bites! it was hilarious to watch.

he's been sitting on his own a bit here and there, though i definitely have to place pillows behind him for the inevitable collapse. and he discovered his toes just yesterday while i was changing his diaper. since then he becomes fascinated with them everytime they're within reach. he still adores being "walked" around the house and is getting really good at moving one foot ahead, then the other. (pictures of this on his picture blog). he still hates tummy time, though and won't even try to keep his head up. he lays it down on the floor as soon as he's on his tummy and either cries or just rests like that. oh well, josh skipped the crawling stage and went right to walking at 8 months, so we'll see if tristan will follow in his footsteps. :)

thank you for all of your encouraging comments on my last post. it felt really good to just be so honest about how i'm doing and what's been going on. i sure don't want my blog to be dull and depressing all of the time, but i also want to be able to be open about my struggles. for the most part, life is wonderful. i have an amazing, loving husband and a beautiful, healthy baby boy. i have friends and family near and far who care about me and are willing to help me in any way they can. i am truly blessed.

a new mom's attempt at survival part V: avoiding meltdowns

it's been awhile since i've blogged. this is partly due to the fact that we've had guests in our guest room/computer room for over a week and mostly due to the fact that i haven't felt like i've had much positive news to blog about. however, i have decided that i will no longer worry about my blog being all happy and cheerful all the time. i'm about to become completely honest here, so if you're looking for a pick me up type of story, you may just want to skip this post and meander over to darla's blog instead :)

in the owner's manual that God accidentally forgot to send along with my son, there would have been an entire chapter dedicated to Meltdowns. a meltdown, in tristan's case, is when he begins to cry and then wail and then scream with no end in sight. nothing seems to comfort him and at times he just won't stop crying. a trick i've learned is to distract him enough so that his screams lessen, then as soon as they do, i quickly pop him on the breast. this works perhaps half of the time. the other half of the time, i seem to melt down shortly after tristan does.

there have been many suggestions as to the cause of his cries. acid reflux? lactose intolerance? allergies? hunger? pain? too hot? too cold? oh, the list goes on and on. i now know my son well enough to understand the cause: its simply that he has a VERY difficult time falling asleep. this leads to overtiredness which leads to even more tears. its a very tricky business, finding the exact moment when he's tired enough to go to sleep, but not so tired that he'll melt down. the planets must be alligned just so in order for him to fall asleep unaided. i've spent the past 5 1/2 months trying to "solve" this problem and i am completely exhausted.

about 3 weeks ago i decided that it was just too difficult for my baby to fall asleep on his own like i've been trying to help him do. he was having sometimes 3 meltdowns per day and i felt like i just couldn't cope anymore. i decided to do things the "old fashioned" way and just nurse him to sleep. it took a couple of days for him to learn to fall asleep like that, but once he did it was heavenly. along with feeding to sleep, i changed from a feeding schedule to demand feeding. he never melted down. the answer to his every cry was more milk. he fell asleep peacefully and i finally got the hours of alone time that i so craved. everything was working out great until he began waking up in the middle of his nap, realizing that i was no longer nursing him. he'd cry out and i'd come to him and nurse him back to sleep. this went on for a few days and then, horror of horrors, he began doing this during the night. was he hungry? i no longer knew because he wasn't on a schedule anymore. i just kept feeding him back to sleep over and over. it got so bad that one night he woke up EVERY 40 MINUTES ALL NIGHT LONG! every time he stirred at night, he'd begin to cry for me. he no longer knew how to put himself back to sleep; he relied on me to do it for him.

that night we both got a total of about 2 hours sleep. the next day, because he was so overtired, he refused to nap. i'd feed him to sleep and he'd be awake, crying 10 minutes later. it was really quite awful. i kept calling my mom and friends, just sobbing on the phone with them. i don't know what i was looking for from them. i suppose i just didn't want to feel so all alone. that day josh and i decided that we were done with feeding him to sleep. we were going to take drastic action and finally just let him cry it out. i've never felt comfortable with the idea of letting my child cry himself to sleep, but i knew that we both needed sleep and i was willing to get it at any cost.

that evening he started to cry. josh suggested i take a bath and close the door so i couldn't hear him. he cried and cried. i was shocked at the intensity he maintained. there was no winding down or slowing. he just kept wailing. an hour passed. it was so hard to listen to. then another 30 minutes. there was no end in sight. finally, after crying for 1 hour and 45 min, i went into his room and just laid my hand on his little heaving chest. i wiped the tears from his face and started talking to him in a soothing voice. within minutes he was silent and then he dropped off to sleep. i was quite excited. sure, it was difficult, but if that's all it would take, i knew i could handle it. well, unfortunately he woke up every 1-2 hours that night and cried and cried each time. i kept trying to soothe him with my voice, but it didn't always work well.

the next day, after another 2 hours of sleep all night, he just kept crying. he was obviously over-tired and just couldn't seem to drift off. he'd occasionally fall asleep from crying, only to awaken 10 minutes later screaming again. after another hour and 45 min crying session, he completely lost his voice. on top of that, he seemed to be getting a cold. that was THE END of trying to let him cry it out. i was SO done...the poor little guy could only make little baby kitten sounds from his raw throat. he was so miserable and tired, my heart just broke for him. some would say i didn't try it long enough, but i don't care. crying it out is not for me.

that night, every time he cried, i comforted him by picking him up and holding him close. as soon as he stopped crying, i'd put him back in his crib, only to pick him up again moments later as he started crying again. it was exhausting, but i felt so much better being there for him instead of leaving him all alone. he slept better that night, but i found that i just couldn't fall asleep! turns out that the new medication i was taking for my post partum depression caused sleeplessness. completely worn out, i prayed "God, i know that you said you wouldn't give us more than we can handle. well, i believe that somthing's gotta change real soon because i'm about to lose it!" only hours later, the answer to my prayer came. my mom called to tell me that she was flying down the very next day to help me out!!

having my mom here was such a God send! tristan took to her as if he's known her all along. she helped me with my new method of comforting him to sleep, which was becoming much more difficult since he was so sick. once he began feeling better, things started really looking up! i got tristan on a 4 hour feeding schedule instead of 3 hours and that seemed to help a lot. he began sitting on his own and was such a joy to play with. my mom showed me again how important it is just to enjoy my baby. and most of all to RELAX!! i started taking a lower dose of medication, so i was able to fall asleep again. tristan still has meltdowns every now and then, but i now feel like i am better able to handle them. the pick up/put down method is teaching him that i'm here for him, but that he must fall asleep in his crib.

so i suppose this post does have a happy ending after all. it also should expain why i haven't been blogging or commenting much lately. for some reason, the 6 month mark sticks out in my mind as a time when things should be a lot easier. i'm not holding my breath. but i am most definitely hoping.

our newest addition

if there's one thing having tristan has shown me, its that life is unpredictable and i need to GET USED TO IT! last night was our bible study which usually goes until around 8:15. for the past week, tristan has been going to bed at around 8.30, so it looked like i'd be able to go for once and take him with me. all day long his naps were lining up perfectly so that his last nap would end just before we'd leave. except that he decided at the last minute that he wasn't going to take his last nap. i tried to get him to sleep for a good 15 min, then gave up and gave him his bath, then tried AGAIN to get him to sleep. by this time it was too late for me to go anyhow, but the kid was tired and needed to sleep! 2 1/2 hours later he finally settled for the night. i was thinking that because his bedtime was so late, perhaps he'd sleep in a little bit? i shouldn't have bothered to hope. he was up at 3am wide awake and wanting to play! it took me an hour to get him back to sleep, and another hour for me to get back to sleep. then at 6am he was up for the day. i vaguely remember something called "Sleeping in" it used to mean waking up at 9am. now, the thought of sleeping until 7:00 sounds like an impossible dream!

despite being sleepy, i'm using a precious 45 min segment (that tristan calls a nap) not to nap myself, but to blog a bit. so. we now have tv. i mean, we've always had A tv. now we actually get channels. never in my life have i had cable tv before. growing up, our family didn't even own a tv until i was halfway through elementary school. we had rabbit ears for the longest time so that we could watch all of 3 channels. then our family's technology advanced with the setup of the great big tv antenna that sat (and still sits) on top of the roof of the house. that allowed us to view an additional 3 channels....all for free! my dad set up a little gizmo inside the house that turned the attenna outside. so if we wanted to watch channel 2, we'd have to move a dial first, moving the antenna so that channel 2 wouldn't be clouded with static. my friends made fun of us.

when we were first married, i was waiting for my green card and was unable to work. we cut costs wherever we could and getting cable was not on the top of our list of priorities. instead we played games together, weeded the garden, hung out with friends. once we were able to afford tv, we decided against it because we enjoyed our life without one. well, just a few weeks ago, along came a deal that we (or should i say josh) simply could not pass up. a very affordable rate on satellite tv. we discussed it a bit, figured out how much it would really cost, did our homework. in the end i reluctantly agreed to try it out. i think josh has been going through withdrawal for the past few years without his espn. so we got it hooked up and guess what? i really like it! i get to watch moms in labor, see how to make authentic bruschetta, get ideas and weight loss tips from the celebrities, and of course get the latest scoop on what paris hilton is up to now. honestly, it's not that bad. there are some shows i enjoy. and we've both decided NOT to be one of those families who's tv is on all day long. when tristan's awake, the tv gets turned off...provided there isn't some all-important baseball game on.