yesterday i drove past the spot where my car accident occurred. i've ridden past it before, but this was the first time that i was in the driver's seat. samuel was peacefully sleeping in the back seat...just the two of us in the car on a sunny afternoon.... very nearly like last time. it felt strange. only for a moment, i allowed myself to re-live the crash and the memory was still so fresh in my mind that i had a second of panic. i had to force myself to stop remembering the series of events that took place and instead focus on thanking God that i am alive and well and that my precious little boy is alive and well. four months have passed and yet i still grip the handle of the car door when riding around blind corners. there are times when i smell something specifically familiar in car exhaust and the memories come crashing into my head unbidden, making me suddenly nauseous. i hope that i never catch a whiff of what a deflated air bag smells like ever again. i am blessed to say that i haven't suffered from nightmares of re-living the accident. and yet i know that i will never forget what happened, though time will take the edge off.
noticing that my knuckles were turning white and my eyes were straining to focus on the road, willing myself not to fall asleep (though i wasn't even tired) i began to pray and, as always, God's peace washed over me as i recounted to Him all that i am thankful for in my life. i have no idea why God spared my life that day, while allowing countless others to die in accidents all around the world at that same moment. i know that i'm no "better" of a person than those others. i do believe that prayer had something to do with it, and yet He could just as easily have chosen to answer prayers on my behalf with a "no." what i do know is that God obviously isn't finished with me here on this earth yet. with that thought comes the feeling of tremendous responsibility...will i let Him down? will i accomplish what He has in mind for me? my life seems so small and insignificant: a stay at home mom and wife just trying to make ends meet. but the knowledge that God has something planned for me also fills me with awe and reminds me to make each day count....to not miss any opportunity to share His love.
of course, the thought has also crossed my mind that it was for samuel's sake that He spared our lives which eases the pressure just a little bit ;)
in those final moments of labor when i was straining with all my might to push my baby out, i knew that in a few minutes josh and i would be meeting our miracle baby, our survivor. a special nurse was called into the room, i'm still not sure why. perhaps she was there because of the previous complications in my pregnancy, or maybe she routinely assisted the doctors in baby catching. whatever the reason, she came into our room minutes before samuel was born and, with a smile, introduced herself. i stared at her. she stared at me. and then we both made the connection. she was the nurse who was there beside me the entire time my leg was being operated on. her sole responsibility through the surgery was to keep samuel's heart beat monitored, making sure that he was okay. to me, at that time, she was my angel, assuring me that the baby was going to be okay, scratching my nose for me whenever it itched, and remaining calm despite the fact that she knew i was contracting every couple of minutes...a fact which she wisely refrained from telling me until after the surgery was complete. it was so special to have her there, witnessing the birth of our very healthy little boy, the same little boy who may not have survived if born 13 weeks earlier. she was the one to hand him to me as she gave him a good rubbing with a towel. i looked at her and, with tear filled eyes said "thank you" hoping that she knew i meant more than just what those two words could convey.
ever so much to be thankful for, i should feel ashamed for ever complaining about a thing.