Monday, October 26, 2009
this is what i found in samuel's swing a few days ago, music on and everything. apart from lightning mcqueen, buzz lightyear is tristan's all time favorite toy. and baby buzz on the right, (who he got from his friends makenna and cailyn while i was in the hospital after my accident) is the one thing he has to have with him when he goes to bed.
tristan acquired this scuffed up, well used buzz lightyear last february during our garage sale. our neighbors were holding a garage sale at the same time and they gave tristan this buzz in exchange for a few cd's that we were trying to sell. when you press the many buttons on buzz, he says things like "look at my impressive wing span" and "greetings. i am buzz lightyear. i come in peace." the big red button is meant to span out buzz's wings...wings that he originally came with, that kept falling off of buzz when we first got him. it seemed like countless times a day tristan would come up to me asking me to "fix" buzz's wings, which i would do only to have them fall off again moments later.
somehow, buzz's wings were in my car when i was in the accident. when josh went back to the wrecked vehicle days later to retrieve our personal items, he found only one of the wings. thinking that tristan wouldn't want his buzz to have only one wing, i ended up throwing it in the trash, hoping that soon he would forget that his buzz toy ever had wings. what i didn't realize then was that my little boy's memory is much stronger than i thought. to this day, tristan talks about mommy's accident, re-enacting the crash quite dramatically as if he had seen it first hand. he asks me every now and then how my "boo boo leg" is doing and he talks about baby sam being in mommy's tummy and how we had to go to the doctors all the time to see baby sam on the tv.
the accident was over 7 months ago now. tristan hasn't forgotten it, nor has he forgotten that his buzz lightyear used to have wings. he asks for the wings All The Time. i have resorted to telling him that buzz's wings were in mommy's car when she had her accident and now they are gone. that answer always seems to make him cry. and then, the next day, he'll ask me again "where buzz's wings go?" i've tried telling him that the trash truck took them away. i've even tried telling him that they flew up to heaven, but still he persists in asking me over and over. the other day, josh and tristan were at target and tristan discovered the toy aisle which contained all of the toy story toys. because of the 3rd toy story movie coming out soon, they are now selling the same buzz lightyear that tristan has. josh said he was pretty excited to see him in all of his winged glory, and then as they were leaving the store, tristan asked josh where buzz's wings were. and josh told him for the umpteenth time that they are GONE. and tristan started to cry and cry and cry. he cried ALL the way home, which is a good 20 minutes and when he got home, he fell into my arms and cried some more.
it really is the oddest thing. he has never been this upset about a broken toy before. we are not in the business of buying him new things, (in fact, i can't ever remember buying him a new toy, he gets enough hand me downs and gifts to keep his toybox full) nor do we run out and replace any toy that has broken. i'm beginning to wonder if his inability to move on from this minor tragedy has something to do with the chaos his little world went through at the time when the wings were lost. of course, i don't want to read too much into it, though i easily could. i'm the type of mom who can't stand to hear my babies cry because as much as i try, i cannot separate their cries from emotion they may be feeling, such as loneliness or fear. tristan may easily be having a reoccurring, stubborn 2 year old moment that we just need to ignore.
and yet, a part of me wonders what it would be like to see my son's eyes light up at the sight of his buzz restored, complete with wings. such wondering brought me to look buzz up on ebay and, though i didn't find any buzz-less wings as i had hoped, there were plenty of winged buzz lightyears that i know would thrill his little heart. and so, i am torn. does tristan just need to learn a very real lesson that toys break and things change and they can't always go back to the way they were? or would it do him good to have the security of something he loves go back to the way it was before his mommy got hurt and his little brother came into the world, displacing all that was familiar to him? i just don't know.