Monday, October 26, 2009


this is what i found in samuel's swing a few days ago, music on and everything. apart from lightning mcqueen, buzz lightyear is tristan's all time favorite toy. and baby buzz on the right, (who he got from his friends makenna and cailyn while i was in the hospital after my accident) is the one thing he has to have with him when he goes to bed.

tristan acquired this scuffed up, well used buzz lightyear last february during our garage sale. our neighbors were holding a garage sale at the same time and they gave tristan this buzz in exchange for a few cd's that we were trying to sell. when you press the many buttons on buzz, he says things like "look at my impressive wing span" and "greetings. i am buzz lightyear. i come in peace." the big red button is meant to span out buzz's wings...wings that he originally came with, that kept falling off of buzz when we first got him. it seemed like countless times a day tristan would come up to me asking me to "fix" buzz's wings, which i would do only to have them fall off again moments later.

somehow, buzz's wings were in my car when i was in the accident. when josh went back to the wrecked vehicle days later to retrieve our personal items, he found only one of the wings. thinking that tristan wouldn't want his buzz to have only one wing, i ended up throwing it in the trash, hoping that soon he would forget that his buzz toy ever had wings. what i didn't realize then was that my little boy's memory is much stronger than i thought. to this day, tristan talks about mommy's accident, re-enacting the crash quite dramatically as if he had seen it first hand. he asks me every now and then how my "boo boo leg" is doing and he talks about baby sam being in mommy's tummy and how we had to go to the doctors all the time to see baby sam on the tv.

the accident was over 7 months ago now. tristan hasn't forgotten it, nor has he forgotten that his buzz lightyear used to have wings. he asks for the wings All The Time. i have resorted to telling him that buzz's wings were in mommy's car when she had her accident and now they are gone. that answer always seems to make him cry. and then, the next day, he'll ask me again "where buzz's wings go?" i've tried telling him that the trash truck took them away. i've even tried telling him that they flew up to heaven, but still he persists in asking me over and over. the other day, josh and tristan were at target and tristan discovered the toy aisle which contained all of the toy story toys. because of the 3rd toy story movie coming out soon, they are now selling the same buzz lightyear that tristan has. josh said he was pretty excited to see him in all of his winged glory, and then as they were leaving the store, tristan asked josh where buzz's wings were. and josh told him for the umpteenth time that they are GONE. and tristan started to cry and cry and cry. he cried ALL the way home, which is a good 20 minutes and when he got home, he fell into my arms and cried some more.

it really is the oddest thing. he has never been this upset about a broken toy before. we are not in the business of buying him new things, (in fact, i can't ever remember buying him a new toy, he gets enough hand me downs and gifts to keep his toybox full) nor do we run out and replace any toy that has broken. i'm beginning to wonder if his inability to move on from this minor tragedy has something to do with the chaos his little world went through at the time when the wings were lost. of course, i don't want to read too much into it, though i easily could. i'm the type of mom who can't stand to hear my babies cry because as much as i try, i cannot separate their cries from emotion they may be feeling, such as loneliness or fear. tristan may easily be having a reoccurring, stubborn 2 year old moment that we just need to ignore.

and yet, a part of me wonders what it would be like to see my son's eyes light up at the sight of his buzz restored, complete with wings. such wondering brought me to look buzz up on ebay and, though i didn't find any buzz-less wings as i had hoped, there were plenty of winged buzz lightyears that i know would thrill his little heart. and so, i am torn. does tristan just need to learn a very real lesson that toys break and things change and they can't always go back to the way they were? or would it do him good to have the security of something he loves go back to the way it was before his mommy got hurt and his little brother came into the world, displacing all that was familiar to him? i just don't know.


inquisitivesensitive said...

I don't have any children, but my personal opinion is that Tristan is going through a phase with Buzz and it is going to last only so long.

I think if you continue to say Buzz's wings are gone and leave it at that he will eventually find another toy to entertain him. If you "give in" and buy him a new Buzz he will think that if he nags you enough in the future he will get other things.

Just my personal opinion, and remember I don't have children.

~heather h.

Grandma J. said...

I think surprises are fun and if the price is right (on ebay maybe?) you could have fun seeing the joy on his face. Think of a fun way to present it to him - I know I am grandma and all, but I think he deserves it. XO

Cherie said...

After Tristan asked us "Buzz Wings?" every day when we were there... in san diego, ben & I looked for a small version with pop out wings! but nothing!!! they all moved their arms or something different! oh boy, i would love to see the joy on his face... the sincere wonderment of the question made me want to get the wings!

Randy and Julie said...

I think you should get him a winged buzz. He would be so thrilled. Or you can use it as incentive if he stays in his room in the morning till the night light changes for a certain amount of days he can have his new buzz.

Leanne said...

I say buy him the Buzz!! Imagine the thrill that he'll feel... Everyone needs a little grace now and then, even little boys with broken toys.

Shannon said...

My opinion? Get him a buzz. I wouldnt hide the old one or say 'buzz is fixed' or anything. I wouldnt make him earn it either. A just because we love you shiny box at his table spot. This wont spoil him.

I bought Brianna a $15 buzz at walmart the other day. I was estatic to see all the toy story stuffs coming out because of the re-release and upcoming Toy Story 3. Brianna is quite the fan. She has a tattered Woody doll with no hat and the pull string never worked. She so badly wanted the same, but working version. To that I was a firm no. (and $35!) But I have been hoping to get a buzz for a couple years now. I don't buy new toys very often, it was exciting to give it to her just because.

The wings come off real easy on this buzz. I guess to give it access to the batteries? We are on day 3 and the wings are hiding somewhere in the house. Tristian might be a better steward of the wings than Brianna is.

Jessica said...

I say get the boy some wings! There will plenty of other times as he grows to explain and teach life lessons.

If only our grown-up life could be so simple as needing wings...

Alvin & Denise Engler said...

I wouldn't doubt if there was something more going on in his head and heart with regard to the wings and what he felt at the time. These things are hard to express even for adults. I think a mom knows, feels, senses when there is a deeper stirring.

Maybe you could use the opportunity to talk about how Buzz's wings were broken, but now he is fixed again... and how we look forward to being made whole when Jesus comes back restoring and making new (except our new "wings" won't get lost or fall off again).

I don't think you're over-analyzing whats going on, and admire that you have stopped to look and feel deeper. You're a great mom.


Grandma J. said...

I appreciate Denise' comment and would say I can see the wisdom of what you are both saying by thinking and looking deeper. I have a feeling Tristan will get his wings. Can we see a video or picture of his face when he does? XO

dj kosmotronix said...

Must find wings!

I actually found one of these action figures yesterday at the second-hand store. Shall I go back and check for wings? Must help Tristan; MUST HELP!!!!

I(heart) toys.


kelly ens said...

i agree with everyone - i think you should get him a buzz with wings.

love Denise's idea :)

Jenn & Wade said...

If you're in need of a toy ask Mark!...he finds EVERYTHING at the second hand stores and has brought so much excitement to our kids' faces!...Uncle Toy Box he is!

Jennifer said...

Make buzz some wings out of paper with Tristan and tape them on.
Things break.
Life goes on.

Darcy and Sharon said...

Christmas is coming - you could get him a Buzz with wings for Christmas!

Thoughts on Life and Millinery. said...

I've been reading the book "Getting the love you want" and have been interested in how much of our early childhood experiences (even as a two year old!) can shape how much we are able to feel love and feel safe as an adult, especially in our marriages.

Yes, this could just be a phase Tristan will soon grow out of(sometimes I think Disney and kid movies are designed as gateway drugs to "must have" addiction) but I wouldn't take his emotional climate lightly. I'd even go so far as to suggest a visit to a pediatric psychologist as the trauma of your accident, a new baby, dad with employment situations, your own missing Canada and family undoubtably has shaped his emotional landscape.
Couldn't hurt, and it could help, right?

Dena said...

i have found that it's fun to bless our kids 'just because', his sadness (not fits) over the buzz wings would be the same for any of us for other things that we find special. he'll have lots of opportunities in his life to learn about 'letting go'...get the boy some wings! :o)

dave was REAL big on Buzz. had a little plastic/rubber buzz that came in a happy meal and he had him ALL THE TIME, the thing fell into Mission Bay one night while on uncle's boat, my nephew had to resuce little buzz with the big fishing net...i will never forget little buzz bobbing in the water and dave being absolutely crushed with the thought of losing him. over several months, dave started chewing on him and soon buzz had only one arm, then one leg, then no legs, then he just disappeared...don't have a clue what happened to badly want another one, just to frame in his room, it was a precious time and memory for me (and him, he still gets the cutest smile on his face when we mention buzz).

they are only little for awhile, enjoy them. little precious-ness-es. :o)

dj kosmotronix said...

Hello Heidi,

I went back to the store to look for Buzz-with-wings, alas, no wings. I hope Tristan's emotional landscape isn't devastated. I hope his emotional climate weathers this little storm.

I will send money just to see him smile. Let me know.

And I bet the plastic wings are cheaper than a pediatric psychologist.

On the wings of love,

Z-Mama said...

Why do I feel like Tristan will be finding a surprise Buzz in the mail from one of these sympathetic ladies?!? I want to go out and get him one right now! xoxo

Christy B. said...

I say, buy the new buzz! I remember when I was there, and he got that buzz, and even then wouldn't put it down, for nothing!

Btw, I am having the worst day at work, ever! I spent my lunch break pouring over help wanted ads.I have got my head chewed off for too many things, which aren't even my fault! Ugh. I have to somehow get through the afternoon. Boss is away (temporarily), so I quickly started in on blogs. Thank you for yours, and all the pics. I have been transformed, if only for a few minutes, out of this miserablness!!

Thanks for letting me vent,

Anneliese said...

I wonder if he is sad about the wings because they remind him about the accident. But you're all better now and baby is okay ... so maybe a new Buzz would bring closure to the whole thing.

Claire said...

agree agree agree. get the new buzz! (and I am definitely not a 'things' person). ;)

love the "made new" idea, like Denise said.

And I agree, you are a wonderful mom to stop and pause and wonder if there is something deeper here for your boy.

rachel joy said...

I'm waaaay behind on blog reading. Sorry for the delayed comment here ... I didn't read all the comments but saw Anneliese's and it's exactly what I was going to say, but couldn't find the words. I think a broken toy apart from a traumatic event wouldn't have had such a lasting reminder like this did.

And seeing that Buzz reminded me of when my nephew was 4 and had the same one (first generation Buzz :). My family snuck into our apartment while we were on our honeymoon, and that Buzz greeted us as we came in the door. (And their mischief didn't stop there, I assure you!)