Monday, November 02, 2009

these days

these days tristan's favorite color is green. he painted this dinosaur himself... i thought he did a great job of the stripes. he asked me to paint "Jesus cross" in red all across the top. he has been spotting "Jesus crosses" all over the place, from telephone poles to church steeples to the letter "t" printed just about anywhere. he loves that his name has a "Jesus cross" in it.

these days samuel has been a bit of a grizzly bear. he isn't quite fussy...he still rarely cries, but now if he is upset or hungry or just plain bored he sort of shouts. he can actually get quite loud and it starts to get annoying after awhile. when tristan was his age, i'm sure i was able to entertain him a lot more. with samuel, i do spend time playing with him, but there is always something else going on, something else that needs to be done and i just don't have as much time. he does love his little "jump & go" door jumpy and he tolerates the exersaucer for 10 minutes here and there. just yesterday i tried sitting him up on his own with the boppy pillow behind him and he did quite well before folding in half. i've noticed 2 little white teeth under the surface of his bottom gums, but there's no telling how close they are to breaking through. he still has a gigantic morning nap and then one or two wimpy little naps after that. i've tried waking him early from his morning nap so that he'll be tired enough to take a longer afternoon nap, but it doesn't make a difference, so i just let him be.

these days i've been enjoying the very chilly nights and growing impatient with the very warm/hot days. i used to enjoy taking a walk after dinner with the boys in the cool evening, but now with the time change, its too dark after dinner to do that. still, i'm going to attempt a walk to the library this afternoon with the kids and i'm hoping that i don't sweat too much. i've realized that however slowly i lost weight after having tristan, i'm losing it even more slowly after having samuel. i was so proud of myself for not gaining as much weigh in my second pregnancy despite being nearly bed-ridden with a broken leg. but that pride has led to disappointment as clothes that fit me when tristan was 5 months old are not fitting me now that samuel is the same age. the more slowly i lose weight, the more of a need there is for new clothing which isn't quite at the top of our list of priorities right now. to be completely honest, i feel just so disgusting right now wearing the same maternity tops and pants that i've worn for the past 10 months. because of my weight, i take no pride in my appearance and rarely wear makeup or do my hair. its depressing. i know that my self esteem shouldn't come from the way i look on the outside, but sometimes when i catch sight of my reflection in a mirror, or see myself in photos, i feel deflated and sad. i'm not writing this in hopes of ego-boosting comments; i just feel the need to be real and open about the way i feel right now. i know i went through this sort of phase after having tristan and it eventually passed, so i'm sure that it will pass again. in the meantime, i'm going to continue to take the kids on walks because exercise is not only good for my body; i know it is good for my mind as well.

these days i'm very much looking forward to the christmas season that is just around the corner. tristan is turning 3 the week after christmas and i think this year he is finally at the age where he'll be able to anticipate and understand what we're celebrating. we wave hello to all of the christmas trees at the christmas tree farm we drive past when we visit gran & grandpa's house. the last few times we went to costco, we made sure to gaze upon baby Jesus, happy upon his bed of hay in the nativity set they're selling. we've discussed santa claus somewhat and how all of the reindeer fit into the picture, (its so fun when kids believe anything!) but my plan this year is to keep his focus on the true meaning of christmas as much as possible. materialism and greed will find their way into his life more and more in the future, so i'd like to use his semi-innocence to keep all of that at bay for as long as we can.

these days i'm finding that i need to take josh up on his offer to stay home with the boys while i go out with some friends or something. the thing is, introvert that i am, i know that i'd find myself much more relaxed and refreshed if i just go somewhere all by myself. i'm the type of girl who's idea of a good time is sitting with a book in a coffee shop, sipping a hot chocolate while reading. of course i do enjoy the time i spend with friends, but tonight its just going to be me, myself and i. i've no idea yet where i'll take myself, but i'm already looking forward to it :)


running wildly said...

Oh hunny. I do the same thing. I look in the mirror and see cellulite on my tummy with complimenting love handles that jiggle as I walk.......I sigh, and don the closest empire-waisted flowy shirt I can find. Double sigh.
I'm with ya, babe. We can battle this out together.

Grandma J. said...

Enjoy some blissful alone time dear. A little bit of it is great (the all by yourself part). Peaceful. XO

Shannon said...

enjoy some you time.

I'm supposed to be excited to go home for a visit. Instead I am so depressed that people will see me. And all I can see is how fat I am. But I'm the only one who sees that, everyone else sees me. *sigh*

Lovella ♥ said...

Don't we all enjoy a bit of time to ourselves. I feel bad sometimes when I know I should call a friend to go for coffee but I'd rather go browse Home Sense. . .it is sometimes so much more relaxing because I don't have to think.
Walking is so good. I had just been sitting here contemplating getting on my treadmill .. .it is so much easier reading blogs.

Somethings really don't change as you age .. or I should say as I age.

Randy and Julie said...

Heidi, your beautiful even if you havnt lost all your weight. Im not just saying that to make you feel good, you really are. If it makes you feel better my baby is 10 months now and I still have weight to lose and I never lost all my weight from Kendra, my second and shes three!

Thoughts on Life and Millinery. said...

I do recall a brief spell when the kids were both old enough to race around yet needed me for everything. I was really quite slim for that little bit.

Don't worry about losing weight, worry about getting in good enough shape to wrangle two boys that both can outrun you. The extra weigh will come in handy when you need to sit on them to keep them from wacking each other!

Jennifer said...

I often took myself out once it was possible. Even if only for a short time, it helps to reset yourself so you can start off fresh with them again.
Sanity is important. Period.

Did you not get a package from me yet? Sounds like you need another and I should actually include something just for you :)

kelly ens said...

i know the blah feelings after having a baby and the lack of taking care of yourself. it's hard to make a priority, especially when the kids are the only ones who see you all day.
but take that time for yourself, whether it's on your own or with some friends - you need to remember that taking care of yourself makes you happier and essentially, more energized and ready to face the demanding and challenging role of motherhood!

Family Of Five said...

Empire waist tops have become my very good friend!! Low rise pants that I feel I have to tuck my bum cheeks into in order to get them on.... not so friendly! It doesn't even matter how much weight is lost because the body is just plain different after having babies!
Maybe you are in need of some new clothes and a new hair do... to make you feel refreshed and good about the clothes you are wearing and what you look like in them!
For the record I think you are lovely! :)
I think all us women are never truly happy with our bodies... we always seem to be able to find some flaws no matter what our size!