okay, vent over and moving on... yesterday tristan and i were having fun looking at pictures and videos on the computer from last year. i opened the september '09 folder and let tristan scroll through to his heart's content. he didn't recognize his 3 month old brother at first, but he sure recognized himself. he kept asking about the shirts he was wearing in the photos, wondering why they aren't hanging in his closet anymore and if they got lost. i kept explaining to him that he is bigger now and has grown out of all those clothes, but every time he'd come to a picture where he was wearing a different shirt, he'd ask the same question. anyhow, once we started watching the videos from that month, i became awestruck. there is samuel, all bobble-headed and drooling away and there is tristan running around and talking here and there and i seriously couldn't understand a word the kid was saying! i was thankful when the me-in-the-video would translate for the camera because i hadn't a clue. and this was my own kid! the strangest thing was that, though i have vague memories of that time... wiping spit up, holding an infant, potty training tristan.... i don't really remember it. at least not as clearly as in the videos. it hit me then that there are not only moments that can escape our memory; there are literal weeks and months and perhaps years where we'll go on living for all of that time, but barely have any memory of it at all down the road. its sort of sad, yet inspiring at the same time.
so, after samuel woke up from his nap in the afternoon, i got the camera out and began recording the boys. they weren't doing anything special, just being themselves: samuel signing away like a little deaf boy, tristan pretending to fight a snake, then a shark, then a pirate, both of them tumbling around on the bed, on each other, on me, like adorable little puppies. i wanted to capture the way samuel tries to jump, but can't quite get his feet off the ground and the way tristan still hasn't mastered saying his "L's" yet ("wets all go wook for a powar bear!"). then, when josh came home, i made sure to sit in the backyard and capture the 3 of them playing together and how much the boys adore time with their daddy.
i know that even though these little moments are a part of my normal, every day life right now, in a year's time i won't be able to recollect much of it unless i look back on pictures and videos. and yet there are times when i find myself stuck behind the lens of my camera, trying to take the perfect photo instead of just living in and enjoying the moment. there is a fine balance between these two things and i am hopeful that one day soon i'll be able to master it. for now, i'm going to keep focusing on savoring my little men every day, but i'll be sure to do so with my camera in my pocket, for easy access.