the transition

you may remember that when we first found out that we were pregnant with our 3rd, it was a huge shock to both of us. i was very, very scared because i didn't think i was the kind of mom who is cut out for having 3 children. (obviously, God had other ideas). after the initial feelings of panic and anxiety subsided, i made a concious choice to focus only on the positives and to be thankful for the blessing that was being added to our lives. i read somewhere that when it comes to new babies, your attitude should be, "don't expect; just accept." i am the queen of expecting, which is just a nice way of saying that i'm a worrier. i think way too far in advance and try to anticipate the pitfalls in any given situation in order to avoid them. when i was pregnant with samuel, i did this all the time. i remember tristan going through a phase where he would only fall asleep if he was on the floor of his room with me laying next to him. i'd lie there with my big belly, waiting for him to fall asleep thinking, "WHAT am i going to do when the baby comes?! i can't do this!" i had such anxiety about having 2 kids and then when samuel arrived, it really wasn't so bad! God blessed me with a super easy 2nd baby and circumstances beyond our control enabled josh to be home for a couple of months after he was born. for me, the transition to 2 was much, much easier than the transition to 1.

this time, i kept telling myself over and over again not to expect. who knew what sort of a baby i'd have, if she'd be a good sleeper, or colicky or the kind of baby who barely makes a peep? i knew that worrying about how i'd handle 3 children ahead of time would only make things more difficult for me, so i simply didn't do it. i had no expectations. (i'd be lying if i said i didn't have hopes, but that's entirely different.)

now that i have 3 children (wow, it still trips me out even to write that), i can tell you i'm glad that i didn't expect. and i am trying so very hard to accept. things have been difficult, not as severely difficult as they could be, but difficult nonetheless. my sweet baby girl has a hard time sleeping at night much at all. at first i thought she just must have her days and nights mixed up, but even when i conciously keep her awake after each daytime feeding for a bit, she still won't sleep much at night. i know that its only the first week and i also know that many moms go through this "survival" type of time at first, but knowing those things doesn't do much to help the fact that i'm only getting about 2 or 3 hours of sleep per night and those hours are all fractured up into 20 minute pieces. having 2 active kids to care for during the day just makes this whole sleep deprivation thing more overwhelming than i ever thought it could be. even now as i type, its just me and ava in the house with the intention of getting some much needed sleep. she, however has other ideas and is just not willing to settle down easily, which is why i decided to blog instead.

so, this is my life right now. i know for certain that in time i will look back on this blog post and barely remember the particulars of the situation i'm in, but at the moment these days are so, so long. and the nights are even longer.