Tuesday, March 31, 2009
ups and downs
well, this is the second day of being home alone with tristan. yesterday went better than expected. he happily watched videos in the morning until my dear friend j'lene came over with her daughter cailyn and took us to the park where i sat on a bench and soaked in the fresh air and sunshine while tristan let go of his contained energy and had a blast playing with his friend. we came back home and j'lene helped me get tristan's lunch together, then helped me stand up at the top of the stairs where my second borrowed walker was waiting for me. from there, j'lene was able to go home while i put tristan to sleep, then napped in my own bed until he woke up. (growing a baby and healing a leg at the same time makes my body super exhausted!) coming downstairs is much easier than going up, so i am able to do that on my own, and the rest of the afternoon consisted of me keeping tristan's meltdowns at bay while making dozens of phone calls to our health care provider, auto insurance, and sweet ladies at church who have offered to drive me to any appointments i have. once josh came home, i breathed a huge sigh of relief and felt so proud of myself that i made it!!!
this morning was a bit of a different story. my mom called this morning to let me know that they arrived home safely last night after driving 2 full days. tristan, meanwhile was having one of his "super hungry" days in which he asks for a snack every 10 minutes and then devours every last crumb. every time i'd get my leg propped back up on the couch with pillows, he'd plead "mommy! 'mon! walter! snat!" (which means mommy c'mon walker snack!) and then it would take me another 5 years to hop over to the kitchen to find him something else to eat before i could hop back to the couch and collapse on it.
writing it all down now makes it seem like not such a big deal, but to be honest, i was in a lot of pain from moving around so much, plus he wanted nothing to do with the TV; all he wanted was to play with his trucks on the kitchen floor, pushing them back and forth to me, which is something i cannot do at this point. so when he finally melted down in a heap of tears and snot, i confess that i did the exact same thing. and then i called my husband at work and blubbered things that probably made no sense to him, but he was busy and had to go, so instead i blubbered things to God that probably DID make sense to him, and after that i felt much better.
my friend suzy came by and took her son and tristan to the park, bless her heart. she also brought over fresh-baked bread and chicken soup for us, and now i'm so very tempted to forget the pain and hop on back to the kitchen to get myself some of that warm bread! i really cannot afford to lose it like this every day. i understand that there is a time for tears and that i need to release those tears every once in awhile. but i know the danger of dwelling on the negative and how its like quicksand...it sucks me down further and further until i feel incapable of looking at the bright side of anything. i am SO thankful for so many friends who have offered to come by while josh is working, to play with tristan and to help me with his lunch and getting up the stairs. i would not be able to do this without them. it is so humbling to need people like this, but it also blesses me to see that they are happy to help.
and so it seems that i have to re-adjust once again to a new normal. a normal that will hopefully get easier with time. i still don't know how relying on the help of others to get me through each morning and to cart me 45 minutes away several times a week for non-stress tests for my baby, physical therapy appointments and OB checkups will ever seem normal. but i do know that if i don't keep my focus on Him and lay all my anxieties at His feet, i will soon be overcome with worry and stress.
and, just in case i was in danger of forgetting this, today's "streams in the desert" was written specifically for me, with the opening verse from Isaiah 26:3
"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You."