Sunday, December 20, 2009
in need of fairy dust
because it is pretty obvious by now that my pregnancy weight truly isn't going to melt right off (and why would it, since tristan's pregnancy weight didn't melt off either?), and that sitting around eating sugar cookies and drinking egg nog isn't going to help matters, i have decided that it is time to take a step in a new direction. literally.
a couple of weeks ago i was trying to find a new top to wear this winter. i spent about 30 minutes trying on 23 different shirts in a tiny changing room. and only ONE of them fit me. i have proportion issues due to breastfeeding that i'm not going to get into right now, but even though i know my body isn't going to be this warped forever doesn't mean that i just shrugged off the whole hellish shopping experience. i let it depress me a little bit. and then came home and told my husband that i was going to start small and walk every single day for 30 minutes without the kids. after i had made that declaration i marched into the kitchen and ignored the tub of ice cream sitting in the freezer calling my name, and chose instead to eat an apple.
the next day i totally forgot to go on my walk. the day after that it rained cats and dogs. the day after that josh didn't get home from work until late and it was already dark outside. the day after that it rained again. the day after that i just said "screw it" and took the kids for a walk around town, after which i realized that pushing a stroller while begging an almost-3-year-old to stop crying and keep walking is really not much of a workout. and i finished off that tub of ice cream anyway.
trust me, i know that walking by itself isn't much of a workout. my old surefire way to snap myself back into shape was always by jogging. at one point, before my wedding, i got a little carried away with running and jogged myself right into a size 2 white sundress for my beach wedding. now when i see pictures of that lovely event, i realize that i could have used a little less jogging and a little more bread & pasta, but still, it goes to show that jogging was definitely my best form of exercise. now that i have a metal rod in my leg that was hammered into my knee (yes it was hammered, i heard the whole thing), i really don't think that it is in my leg's best interest for me to run with it. especially since my version of running now looks something like a wounded wildebeest galloping for its life. i can't afford a gym membership and workout videos are constantly interrupted by a non-napping toddler who needs help with seemingly everything these days......so, walking it is.
today i actually made it out on a walk. by myself!! it wasn't as long as i had hoped for since we were all thoroughly enjoying the first half of "elf" before the chargers game came on and then i had a baby to feed before i could get out the door, but had to be back before the baby's nap time (yes, we have discovered within the past few weeks that not only will my baby not take a bottle from his daddy anymore, he will not take a proper nap for his daddy either), so i blew the dust off of my tennis shoes (or runners as i still silently call them) and off i went down the street.
it was the strangest feeling to be walking somewhere all by myself. no little hands to hold, no stroller to push, no diaper bag to shoulder. it would have felt kind of nice if i didn't feel so naked. i trudged on, more aware of my limp than ever (really MUST work harder on that) and cursing the last of the christmas cookies that rolled around in my tummy with every step. i guess finishing off the plate just so that the temptation is gone wasn't the best idea in the world. by the end of the walk i was just beginning to feel that small rush of calmness that always seems to fall on me when i really get into a groove. i wanted more than anything not to turn down my driveway, but keep going for as long as i could. those forgotten sensations of happy working muscles really woke me up and i could not figure out why in the world i ever stopped exercising at all. then i walked into the house and tristan needed help tying his homemade buzz wings on his back and the baby needed changing and the dishes stacked by the sink greeted me with their overwhelming bulk. and it all came crashing back to me why in the world i ever stopped exercising.
and yet, that small taste of mind cleansing, fresh air breathing, "me" time was enough to get me hooked. i am determined to keep at it. my body needs me to keep at it. i'm never expecting myself to fit into a size 2 again, but once i'm down to single digit sizes, i'm going to smiling big :D
p.s. just after i hit "publish post" i realized that the last 2 posts i have written both have to do with body image. i feel the need to clarify that i am in no way hoping that your comments will compliment me on my looks and boost my ego.... i thank you for your sweet comments, but please know that i am writing, as always, as honestly as i can about the things going on in my mind and life. no flattery begging intended!