Thursday, December 17, 2009
we scored today on toy story toys for 15c each at the thrift store. tristan kept trying to shove a penny into ham's coin slot despite my explanations that he isn't a real piggy bank. i also found 2 beautiful hardcover children's books for 49c each and was happy with my finds even though we didn't get what we were originally looking for. what i really wanted was a card table. something cheap and smallish and the perfect size for doing puzzles on. i know you never would have guessed it, but josh and i have a secret passion for puzzles. i've always been a fan of puzzles (coming from a family of unathletic geeks, that really should be no surprise), but josh was not a fan until we got married. i actually think i have a picture somewhere of the first puzzle we ever completed together!
yep, there it is and there we are. a puzzle virgin no longer, josh became as passionate about doing them as i was. neither of us are into the really complicated, frustrating types of puzzles; we just like something to do in the evenings while we listen to music. we prefer charles wysocki and have gathered quite the collection over the past 5 years. the only issue is that when we're doing a 1000 piece puzzle, it tends to take over our entire table, leaving us with hardly any room to eat. unfortunately a used card table was not to be found today...i'll try again next week.
i've been feeling slightly nostalgic lately, probably stemming from the fact that josh and i began our relationship right before christmas 7 years ago. i've been looking through old pictures and blog posts and sighing longingly every now and then. don't get me wrong, i would never trade my world today to be able to go back in time and re-live those moments. i think my longing sighs were more for my younger self. in just over a month i am going to turn 30. it looks strange even typed out like that. i don't feel like i'm experienced enough to be a 30 year old. do you think they'll let me turn 30 without a parent's signature? i'm still 23, so how can i have lived for 30 years already? and yet, when i look in the mirror i realize with a startling sense of disappointment that i certainly don't look 23 anymore. i really do look more like i'm on the brink of being 30.
the pictures of my former, younger self smile at me, and from all appearances i look happy and carefree and young. i was all of those things to an extent, but i can see behind my own eyes (because i lived there once) that i still didn't feel like i was enough. i never really felt smart enough, talented enough, outgoing enough, fashionable enough, pretty enough. enough for what or whom, i have no idea....probably the general population of north america. i want to yell at my 22 year old self in the photo, saying "forget all of that stuff! you are pretty, you are smart, you are just who you are supposed to be, so stop worrying about what everyone else thinks and just get out and enjoy your life!" i didn't go around feeling depressed and sad all the time or anything like that, but i just had this idea that i should be better than i was somehow.
my friend shannon posted a picture of herself on facebook today. in it, she is glowingly beautiful; an absolute knockout. she commented on her picture that it was taken before she had kids and in that comment i could almost hear her own longing sigh. yet i wonder, when that picture was taken, did she feel as beautiful as she looked? do we ever feel as beautiful as we look? or does it just take an extra decade or so before we realize just how lovely we were?
as much as i dislike looking at myself in the mirror nowadays, inwardly cringing at all of the changes i see, i am determined to begin to look without such a critial eye and to try to see a loveliness that is there. i know it is there because God has gifted every woman with a measure of beauty since the day he created eve. if i don't see it in myself, my fear is that i never will see it except in images of the past. and i think that a decade is much too long to feel as if i am enough right now.