Wednesday, March 10, 2010
one year ago
i'm not sure if it is due to my accidentaversary (haha), but lately i have been thinking a lot about how we hold onto things so tightly, as if by doing so they could never be taken from us. living in california means that you're going to feel a lot of earthquakes. they happen all the time here and are usually nothing more than a rolling, rumbling and then they're gone as quickly as they started. in the past few weeks i think i've felt 3 or 4. today, after another one passed, i couldn't help but think of those people in haiti weeks ago and the people in chili even more recently. and, just for a moment, i allowed myself to envision what that would be like. the sheer terror and pain, not knowing if my loved ones are alive or dead, the panic in trying to save my babies, the gut wrenching, unavoidable carnage. and i realized that, really, that could happen here. a lot of times i get caught up in the idea that i live in a land of freedom and wealth, immune to so many disasters that other countries experience. and yet, anything could still happen.
i will never, as long as i live, forget the feeling of not knowing whether my baby was dead or alive. the only thing worse than that feeling was knowing that i was absolutely powerless to save him, and that if he wasn't going to make it, that i would always feel as if his death was my fault. i remember panicking and feeling myself going into shock, and then, somewhere along the way between the scene of the accident and the hospital, (while the ambulance wheels seemed to find every single pothole in the road, jarring my broken leg) i suddenly realized that it didn't matter how tightly i held onto samuel. the only thing i could do at that point and the best thing i could do was to loosen my grip on him, to hold him up to God with open hands and say, "take him, Lord, he is yours". it wasn't an easy thing to do, but it gave me such relief to do it. i knew that ultimately, if samuel was going to be saved, that it would be God's doing. so, in giving him up to God, i was admitting that i was incapable of saving my own baby. i was admitting defeat, but also allowing myself to rest in His peace. i knew that whatever was about to happen, that God was in control and that He loved me.
i think that opening my tightly clenched hands and lifting up to God the most precious things in my life should be something i do daily. and i plan to start now.