and waiting some more...

i am now purposely ignoring every back-ache-ish type feeling and every painful contraction that randomly comes my way instead of getting excited and watching the clock. i am also trying to plan things to do this week so that my schedule doesn't continue to depress me with its glaring emptiness.

i'm also purposely trying to thoroughly enjoy every last moment i have with tristan as my only child, knowing that any moment could be the last. sunday was a particularly difficult day for me emotionally. i really didn't expect to be in church, thinking i'd be home with a newborn or at least in the hospital with him, so to waddle/limp in those doors and hear a million different people saying "oh, he'll come when he's ready" just was not what i needed to hear right then. in the afternoon, after all 3 of us napped, we went to a local park and i sat in my wheelchair in the shade while watching my husband and son throw bread to the ducks in the pond. taking deep breaths of the fresh air helped to clear my mind and i couldn't help but realize that if samuel had arrived already, then the moment that i was enjoying so much would not have happened.

yesterday, my physical therapist told me that i'm not ready for a cane yet. she mostly was concerned about the balance issue with me being so front heavy and all, but she also thought that i limp far too much at this point. what i hadn't realized until she told me was that i've been holding my cane in the wrong hand! i'm supposed to hold it in my left hand (my right leg is broken) to help with balance when i walk. even though she said i need to keep using my walker when i go out anywhere, she said that using a cane at home would be fine and so i've been using that thing as much as possible and i have to say that i think i'm improving every day. if i concentrate hard enough, my limp is hardly noticeable. now, thinking about holding a baby while walking still gives me the jitters, so i can't think too far ahead, but i'm using this time of waiting to prepare myself physically as much as possible.

sorry for the lack of pictures lately... i think that picture less posts seem more boring. however, our camera is packed away in our hospital bag which currently resides in our car, waiting as (im)patiently as we are.