Friday, January 29, 2010


i am officially old. i can remember when my mom was 30 and it sounded so ancient.

my birthday was nice. i had some friends stop by with pretty flowers and things for me, and phone calls throughout the day. in the evening, josh picked up some greek food and i opened some presents and i really liked everything i got. then, after the kids were in bed, i had a bath while sipping a glass of wine and, for some reason, that's when everything kind of went downhill. i just could not stop crying. it was the strangest thing. in hindsight, i blame it all on the wine. it was rather ridiculous and i knew that it was ridiculous, but i was like a leaking faucet. i kept telling myself to "get a grip!", but it was no use. eventually i ended up sobbing some nonsense to my poor husband who couldn't figure out what to say or do to make me feel better. and then i fell asleep.

i have never had a birthday where i've felt depressed about my age until now. and really, WHY was i feeling depressed about my age?? i have no idea. i can tell you one thing, though. crying right before going to bed does nothing good for the eyes. this morning i felt as though a 5 pound weight was hanging off of each eyelid.

speaking of 5 pound weights, i've been consistently doing the "30 day shred" dvd and have been consistently feeling worse and worse. yesterday i took a quick walk with the boys to the post office and by the time i got home i had to keep both of my legs elevated, they were so stinking sore. my formerly fractured leg is still finicky and so when i'm doing things like jumping jacks, i'm favoring my right leg, which means that i'm basically jumping up and down on one leg. a lot. and now my left leg hurts even worse than my right. i'm not sure how to remedy this situation since nearly every cardio exercise involves using your legs. i would love to go swimming, but there are no indoor pools in my town. so i think i'm back to pushing the stroller up large hills again.

today i am going to trek to the mall and use some of my birthday money to buy new shoes. i love it that our feet stay relatively the same size whether we gain or lose weight. though my dress size and waist size and bra size and ring size may continually change, i will always fit into a size 8 1/2 shoe and that is somehow a comforting thought. then i am going to stop by bath & bodyworks and purchase something that smells yummy with a giftcard i got from christmas. ahh, nothing like a little retail therapy to get over the birthday blues, right?


Lovella ♥ said...

Oh dear Heidi. . .I hear you. Why do women have to have such erratic and annoying emotions regarding everything everytime there is a milestone . .a birth. . .good things. ..never mind the bad things.
I recall my 30th not being so good. My girlfriends took me out for lunch and it all went down hill after that.
I'm not sure if some of it is our expectations but whatever it is . .we still feel rotton and only time seems to make it better.

About the exercising . .I'd stay away from anything hurting you that way.
I used to pull both the boys in a wagon for an hour everyday when I was at your point in life. .we had no double strollers. Those guys had to hang on for dear life. They used to be so impressed with this that they would occasionally tell people. .my mom is really strong.

Enjoy that retail therapy .. you deserve a bit of it for surse.

Oh my word verfication is finess. . which I think you truly have.

Randy and Julie said...

Oh no, Ive been fearing that I'll cry on my 3oth. This confirms that I probably will. I hope you can figure out some excersize that doesnt kill your legs... Lucky you that your feet stay the same size, mine have grown a bit with every pregnancy. Thats not good when we want five kids!

Anonymous said...

Heidi, I'm sorry to hear about your birthday, but I can echo Lovella's words... us women sometimes just overflow with emotion, but it can be frustrating leaving our poor husbands at a loss of what to do or say.
I have been meaning to comment more consistently on your blog as I am so encouraged by what and how you write. I visit your blog often from RW's blog and I have to say that your honesty and vulnerability in sharing about your life as a mom, wife and just a woman after God's heart... have meant so much to me. It makes me feel like I am not alone in so much. It has encouraged me to be more vulnerable and realize that it is okay not to have it all together. Thanks for writing. For what it's worth, I think you have a lot to celebrate for your 30 years... what an incredibly, beautiful person you are! --Amber

running wildly said...

I'm so sorry to hear there were tears on your birthday. I wonder.....were you sad simply because of the daunting 3-0 number or because you are not happy with yourself physically right now? I mean, if you were satisfied with how you looked, would that have made turning 30 easier? Like, "no sweat...I'm a hot 30 year old and I know it." Just wondering.
Hoping you'll be able to love yourself in your beautiful 30 year old body.

kelly ens said...

welcome to 'old.' i always dreaded it too. but you know, i feel no different! actually, i feel BETTER. give yourself until the end of this BLAH competition and i'll be you will too (my 30th was right near the beginning too - ironic!).
about the jumping jacks, here's a modification for you: when your arms go up like normal, step your left leg out; when your arms come down, bring your left leg back in. then alternate to right right side. So you're not jumping, just stepping out with your legs and raising your arms. it will help keep your heart rate up and it's very kind to your leg.
there are a few other exercises on that DVD that i alter according to how i'm feeling, so don't feel bad about changing them to your needs while you take it easy on your leg; tell jillian to take a hike when she tells you she wants you to feel like you're going to die (i think that's on level 2).

have fun shoes got bigger with BOTH pregnancies; i'm jealous yours stayed the same :)

and i will end this by saying how beautiful you are! I may have never met you in person, but i can 'see' a part of you through your blogging, and i think you're spectacular!

dj kosmotronix said...

Happy Birthday, Heidi! I actually (and quite sincerely) didn't realize how young you were. I though you were my age....all these years you conned me with your maturity (that's what age is all about anyway, isn't it?). I've been 30 for a few years now - it's starting to grow on me.

Grandma J. said...

Hey sweety I must admit that occasionally when I get up at night (nature calling) I think to myself - am I really in my 50s?? I'm an old lady! I don't have that thought during the daytime and I don't feel old. True story from library today - I overheard a boy from the grade 3 class, as he was passing the circulation desk, say to his friend "See, I TOLD you it was the old lady today!" I am laughing about it. Hoping your year goes uphill from here, ummm pun not intended. Also, I agree with the suggestions for alternative exercises with your sore leg. XO

Adele said...

Heidi, I DO so like to read your blog....keep writing...I have been keeping a journal for 27 years!!!!! (How could that be!) many of the things you write about are issues that all of us (women) have....I think it is SO good that you can share your thoughts and feelings...YOu might feel "old" at 30, but now that I am 55, I can truthfully say that I don't feel old. Things will get easier/better for you, I promise. I do remember (so well) when I had 2 kids, twenty- two months apart. I had many days that I felt what you are describing. I always (and still do) blame the hormones....You aren't old, Heidi...keep blogging and keep sharing the wonderful photos of your family. I do know now why Kari is SO fond of you!

Mardancat said...

Happy 30th Birthday!
For women that has over come so much you are AMAZING!

I too have that DVD I have no real leg injuries and find it is difficult on my suggestion is to do the DVD EXCEPT for anything that puts strain on your knees and do cardio another way...walking ect...the strengh stuff just not the straining of your leg muscles!

lil said...

HA!!! Judy, that is SO funny that you overhead a small gay calling you the 'old lady'!!! It's fun when we call ourselves that, but not so fun when you hear others saying it!! Thanks for a GREAT laugh tonight!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
And the OLD LADY has a daughter getting married soon. :)

lil said...

Oh my goodness, look as the spelling mistakes in my last comment!!! The LAUGH is on me!!, a REAL old lady!!! I'm Judy's oldest sister! HA!
I meant 'overheaRd' a small GUY, not a gay. I should read before I it 'send'.

Grandma J. said...

Now you make me laugh Lil. Isn't it great to enjoy our old age??

Kathy said...

I know why Judy can laugh at that comment. At Christmas time we grandparents visited Andy and Cara's church. One person, trying to link all the family together after, asked if Judy was Andy's SISTER. SISTER. It's enough to make me reconsider coloring my silver locks!!

Happy Birthday Heidi - you are beautiful inside and out.

Thoughts on Life and Millinery. said...

The thirties really are prime years...the brain is in a really good place, socially it is good age too; less competition, more acceptance. Wisdom starts to show up occasionally (that sounds odd now, but wait until you are around 60 and decide at what age wisdom began...)

Shoes are great, hats are even better IMHO...even though good ones cost way more than shoes do!

Jennifer said...

Sorry for your sobs. Wasted bawling is sometimes one of the only times it gets let out. I know.

And sorry for your sore legs too.

Dude, I welcomed you to the thirties club many times. Did I not send 5 cards?

Be gentle with yourself.
Try a do-over and really, really be happy to celebrate yourself.

Hotshot's Wife said...

Happy Belated Birthday!! 30 is just a number, you are only as old as you think. Stay young and enjoy every day. 30 is young when you have friends who are older than that!!

Jennifer said...

come back to say...stupid hormones :)

Anneliese said...

I'm a little late to wish you a Happy Birthday... but here I am.. I had that cry when I turned 20!! Go figure... in the end I found out that the 40's are probably the best age because you have figured out so many things by then and no hot flashes!!! so.. for a while it will just get better.

stewmomx3 said...

I think us women just need to cry sometimes, i remember crying every month an not knowing why, before they understood pms, hormones etc. So you just needed a good cry and yes the wine prob didn't help.. But you cry girl! Then let it go,, and live life to the fullest!!! You are a beautiful woman, great mom and wife, and a treasured daughter in law!

you loved by many!