the title of this post pretty much sums up how i'm feeling these days. the past (almost) 3 weeks have sort of flown by, but in some ways each day also feels like it takes an eternity to pass. dealing with sleep deprivation has always been difficult for me, but this time around it seems nearly impossible to keep my emotions and patience in check when dealing with my 2 little boys. God gets about a million tiny little prayers from me daily, things like, "God, give me peace!" and "God, please help her to fall asleep!" taking this moment to blog feels almost wrong somehow, as there are so many household chores that need to be done, but i'm gonna take this moment and hopefully keep my sanity in tact.
the days are hectic and the nights can be downright cruel. the other evening josh and i took turns walking a fussy little girl up and down our dark street in the moby wrap, only to lay her in bed and have her scream minutes later. after hours of trying to settle her, josh finally took her downstairs with him to watch some tv and i fell immediately into a deep sleep. he put her in her bed at 11 and by 11:45 she was awake again, ready for another feeding. yesterday i spent $15 on a tiny bottle of gripe water and if last night wasn't just a fluke, if it really and truly took away her tummy pain and caused her eyelids to shut so quickly, then i will happily pay $15 over and over again for such liquid gold. i've been extra strict with eliminating dairy from my diet and am thinking about eliminating soy as well, though that one is a lot tougher. my meals have become very bland and redundant, but i really don't care as long as my baby girl isn't in pain and is getting the rest she and i both need.
yes, things are tough right now, but as my husband very lovingly reminded me last night, its important not to dwell on the tough things, but to revel in the joyful things. like how samuel held her little hand in the backseat all the way to our playdate yesterday and she remained quiet the entire time! or how tristan says, "good morning little cutie" every time i bring her downstairs. the smiles she gives that i swear are social smiles because they light up her eyes and not just her mouth. or the way she just stares and stares at things and people as if she is trying to figure this whole new world out.
so here i sit in front of the computer at 1pm, still wearing last night's jammies that are spit up stained, with my hair in its constant ponytail, listening to 2 different baby monitors, wondering which child will awaken first. this is my life now, my new normal which i am slowly getting used to.