he'll cry if he wants to

WARNING: this post is kind of a venting post.

well, the last few days have been...how shall we say..."hard" just doesn't seem to cut it. tristan has found his vocal chords and is seemingly trying to tell us something that we just aren't understanding. we've looked up colic on the internet & attempted any and every suggestion we've encountered, but to no avail. it seems that the little angel baby we came home with 4 weeks ago has morphed into a screaming, flailing, red faced little creature that we don't know what to do with! thankfully, he is asleep at the moment and looking so peaceful i could eat him up. every moment that he is not asleep, however, it seems that he is crying. not just crying, actually, but screaming. here's what we have tried: swaddling, pacifier, rocking, bouncing, burping, walking, carrying him in his carseat, driving, darkness, white noise, cuddling, music, the list goes on and on. literally the only thing that stops his crying is when he is eating.

-could he be constantly hungry? he literally could eat every hour for 30 minutes at a time and still not be opposed to eating again an hour (or 45 minutes) later.

-could it be i'm not producing enough milk? every time i pump, i get around 3 ounces in 15 minutes from one side, and if it seems he's drained one side and is still hungry, i'll put him on the other side. also, he has around 10 poopy diapers a day, so i know he's getting food. is there such a thing as his metabolism going too fast?

-could it be that he is in pain? we burp him in 3 different positions, just to make sure we're not missing anything. he does pass wind when he cries, but that's probably because he swallows a lot of air while screaming. also, if a baby is truly in pain, would a breast really calm him down as much as it does? (his screaming literally shuts off as soon as it's in the mouth and he becomes so calm that he'll often fall asleep while eating) one thing we haven't tried yet is gripe water. can anyone tell me what is actually in gripe water?

-could it be that he is over-tired? i thought this for awhile, and it still could be true. what confuses me is that he has woken up in this state before, though that was after only a 30 minute nap. the problem is in trying to calm him enough to actually be able to put him down. i know many parents advocate letting your baby "cry it out" but i am trying to avoid that at all costs. i prefer the baby whisperer way of putting them to sleep, which is comforting them when they cry, but as soon as they settle, putting them right back down in their crib. the only problem with this method is the part in getting them to settle. i'm working on recognizing his sleepy cues so that i can put him down BEFORE he gets himself so worked up, but oftentimes he'll yawn away, but still be bright eyed and awake for quite awhile.

-could it be that he is unhappy because he is not on a schedule? okay, so i've read the baby whisperer a few times. i've read babywise as well and at least half a dozen other books that promote demand feeding. out of all of these approaches, i feel most comfortable with the demand feeding approach simply because i'm not sure my baby fits into the mold that a schedule demands of him. for example, the baby whisperer says that the baby should eat approximatly every 3 hours. after eating, he should have awake time, followed by sleep time. once three hours has passed from the beginning of the last feeding, baby should be woken and fed again. so, what if baby falls asleep while eating and refuses to wake up? should i "force" him to have his awake time, even though he is so obviously tired? or what if, after eating, he is so wide awake and having such a great time that he doesn't want to go to sleep, and in fact shows no sign of being sleepy. do i "force" him into his crib just so i'm following the proper order of eat, awake, sleep? or what if, one hour after eating (and eating a full 40 mintues, i might add), he is fussing and rooting and putting his fingers in his mouth (obviously hungry)...do i ignore his hungry signals and force him to wait 2 more hours before feeding him again? i just can't really believe that every single baby needs the same amount of calories, or the same amount of sleep as every other baby. in every other way i adore the baby whisperer and find her advice really helpful, but i just can't see going through the agony of putting tristan on a schedule that tells him when he is supposed to be hungry and supposed to be tired, etc.

now, in all honesty, he doesn't literally cry every waking moment. he sleeps well at night, waking up every 3-5 hours to eat and he does not scream during those times. usually he gets really wound up in the late afternoon/early evening, which is apparently a fussy time for many babies. the only thing is, i wouldn't classify tristan as "fussy" during those times. i'd say rather that he's "inconsolable". last night we had a mini breakthrough after watching a dvd called "the happiest baby on the block" we've already been swaddling him, but realized how important that is. we found the "shushing" suggestion quite helpful with tristan, putting our mouth right up to his ear and loudly saying "shhhhhhh" steadily until he calms down. the idea is to mimic the sounds he was used to hearing in the womb. we found that if we kept doing this, eventually, he'd stop crying. i also discovered when i turned the water on full blast in the sink, he immediately stopped crying. we have yet to experiment with radio static in his bedroom.

really, i guess i'm just venting on this blog and kind of asking for your advice. has anyone out there had a bona fide colicky baby, and, if so, how did you know for certain he was colicky? for those of you who have suggested the baby whisperer method, did you really keep the cycle of eat, awake, sleep at 3 hour intervals all day long? and what is gripe water, anyway?

i'm just so thankful that his one month checkup is tomorrow, and i'm praying that we will get some answers from the doctor because if we have 3 more months of this to look forward to...i may as well check myself into the nuthouse early.

i heart sleep

found a bit of a fuzzy one taken last sunday of kaylee helping me open my birthday gifts. we celebrated with josh's family a week early and josh's mom made a delicious standing rib roast for dinner. well, i thought i'd just pop in to brag that my son slept from 10.30pm until 4.30am last night!! i kept waking up wondering if i should wake him up to feed him, since one of my books says that any longer than 5 hours of sleep at a time is "dangerous" for breast fed babies, but i just let him sleep and after he woke up to eat, he slept for another 4 hours, giving me another great nights rest! i know that this will probably all change eventually, but right now its such a huge blessing to feel well rested during the day.

oh yes, and i have to add the the last sentence from my last post was actually written by my husband. see, he came in the room as i was staring at the ceiling, trying in vain to think of a way to end my blog. i complained to him that it is so darn difficult to always think of how to end my blogs. i feel like i need to write something like "okay, bye bye now" but that's just lame, and yet not saying any kind of farewell seems just sort of rude. so he told me he'd write it for me, and there it is. i must admit that it's true, though.

okay, bye bye now.

schedules schmedules

well, i was looking around for a picture to post just to make my blog look more interesting, but the majority of the pictures we've been taking are of tristan, of course, except for a couple of me opening birthday presents that aren't too um...how shall i say it...slimming? not that i'm vain or anything, but by golly, WHEN will all of this FAT disappear? i was told that while breastfeeding, the weight just "melts away" well, so far nothing has melted since after i delivered except for 2 measly pounds. that is part of the reason that zandra and i are going for a lovely walk to the park tomorrow. the other reason is that it feels so good to get out of the house once in awhile and feel sort of normal.

thank you to everyone who commented on my last post. i have tried many of the tips and they have helped. another thing that helped me tremendously is the decision to STOP reading so many books on putting the baby on a schedule that only confuse my brain and to just trust my instincts. this came about last night after a horrid evening involving a screaming child who would not be consoled and a mother who refused to feed him since technically it hadn't been 3 hours yet. we brought him to our bible study, thinking he'd fall asleep in the car like any normal infant, but oh no, he was awake the whole time and decided to wait right until the study started to show off how loud he can really wail. thank God my mother in law was there to take him out and rock him and finally, out of desparation i decided to feed him (even though it had only been an hour and a half since he last ate) and lo and behold, there was silence. and it was heavenly. and the child slept peacefully all the way until midnight, and then again for another 4 hours, then another 5 which gave me my very first FULL NIGHTS SLEEP IN 3 WEEKS!!! i felt like a new woman today. so i'm putting all of the advice i've read on hold right now and doing things the old fashioned way. baby cries, i feed him. baby is tired, i put him to bed. wake baby up...are you KIDDING ME? i've gotten more done all day today than the past 3 weeks combined. now the true test to my new plan will be to see if he sleeps so well tonight...i'm a little worried he'll be all bright eyed and ready to play at 3am, but we shall see.

hmmm, what else is new. on saturday i'm venturing "down the hill" all by myself to meet a friend from work for coffee, then on to babies r us to find the one and only pacifier that tristan likes..the one they gave him in the hospital. then i'm picking up my wedding rings from the jewellers and i'm hoping so hard that they will fit my fat fingers. i miss them. sunday is my birthday and i have absolutely NO idea what i will be doing that day. it's funny how having a baby changes your focus so much. i'm already looking forward to my parents driving down to visit in march (only a month and a half away!) my dad has yet to meet his first grandson. and i'm even more excited about our trip up to canada in july. josh and i are planning on spending one night in victoria, partly because he's never been and i think EVERYONE needs to go there, but mostly because we have a friend who lives there (hi miriam!) that we really want to visit.

my name is heidi and i'm addicted to blogs.

a couple of questions

okay, another quick one. it seems that in order to continue to view tristan's picture blog, you must have a google account set up. the only problem with that is there is no link on that page to do so. i know i've set one up a long time ago and cannot remember how i did it. would someone be so kind as to comment to this post and explain the steps? my dear mother would love to see new pictures of her grandson and, like me, is not fluent in computerese. thank you so much.

oh yes, and also does anyone have any super great tips on how to keep a baby awake for a full feeding? tristan is getting into the "snacking mode" where he'll want to eat every 1 or 1 1/2 hours, but will only eat for 10 minutes before nodding off. i've tried walking my fingers up his back, massaging his hands, stroking his face, even getting him naked, but to no avail! i really would love some input on this so that i'm not feeding him so constantly, plus i think it'd be better for him to feed longer each time so that he benefits from the hindmilk.

okay, that's it for today. thanks in advance for your help

tristan's picture blog...

..is ready to be viewed! the link is the first one on my sidebar. you will have to enter your email address or, if you do not have a google account yet, you will be asked to create one (kind of a pain, but the only way blogger does it). if you cannot view it, but have sent me your address, try sending it to me again...i entered all of the addresses while feeding tristan in one arm, so i may have made some typos!

things here have been busy. it's crazy trying to accomplish anything with a newborn in the house. tristan is definitely not on any kind of a regular schedule at all...there have been a couple of nights where he'll sleep for 5 hours in a row (heavenly) or, like last night where it seems he's up every 2-3 hours. during the day, he has had periods of pretty much being awake for 5 straight hours, wanting to eat seemingly constantly! at times i just feel like a big old milk truck. at the same time, i wouldn't trade any of this in for the world. i could just stare at him all day long. when he's awake, he is very alert with his big eyes just watching us. i can hardly wait until we can coax a smile from him!

5 days after he was born, tristan had his first checkup. he was slightly jaundiced and wasn't catching onto breastfeeding yet, so the pediatrician wanted to see him. he weighed in at 6lb 15oz which wasn't abnormal. i had a home visit from the hospital nurse yesterday and he weighed 7lb 10oz, which is only 2oz above his birth weight, but she said he's gaining nearly an ounce a day, so that is good. he still is so iddy biddy, but i'm beginning to see a few rolls appear on his arms and neck!

well, it seems he is FINALLY sleeping, so i'm going to try to take a nap.

quick one

hey, just to let you all know i am still here and doing okay. my mom flew back home yesterday, so today is the first day that tristan and i are all on our own! i am typing this with one hand and holding him with the other..regarding the comments you've been leaving, i delete them right away if they have your email address on them, but i am getting your email addresses. soon hopefuly i'll have a moment to get tristan's blog going. i'll keep you posted. fussy baby gotta go..

our precious son

it's funny how so many women go through the same thing i'm going through, and yet, miraculously, little details seem to escape their memory. one detail that i hope escapes mine is the specific kind of pain that occurs every time i sit on my bottom, making it necessary to only sit on one butt cheek or the other, which in turn causes that particular leg to go to sleep. at this moment i am gingerly sitting on my left butt cheek, hoping that i can endure long enough for me to publish this post!

the above picture was taken friday evening, the 5th, when my mom arrived to meet her grandson for the first time. she is staying with us until the middle of next week and i can't even explain how grateful i am for her help. josh had a whole week off of work and today is his first day back. if it wasn't for my mom being here, i am sure i would have burst into tears and begged him to retire early and never leave me. as it is, i have the most wonderful mom making dinner, organizing my tupperware cupboard, cleaning my toilet, and most importantly, spending quality time with tristan so that i can catch a few moments of sleep here and there. my mom rocks!

i figured i had better blog the birth story before the whole mom-amnesia thing began taking hold of my brain. so just a warning: if you are unable to handle these kinds of stories, you probably want to stop reading now. i felt my first contraction just as i was publishing the post i wrote on january 1st, sometime around 8.30am. since i had been having braxton hicks for weeks before, i really thought nothing of it until around 11.00 when i realized that i was still having them, so i began to write down the times. they were very sporadic and not very strong at all, so i really wasn't getting excited or anything. i called a few people just to lament how very sick i was and how sad it was that we didn't even get to celebrate the new year. at around 1.30 we headed over to josh's folks house to watch the michigan game. our dear friend linda had sent down a little michigan onesie for tristan to wear just in case he was early. i had it draped across my stomach as we watched the game...well, others watched, and i calmy wrote down the time every time i felt another contraction. chris, my mom in law probably watched me more than she watched the game. i think everyone else was more certain that i was in labor than i was! finally i got fed up with these silly "braxton hicks" and decided to walk around the backyard in hopes that they would disperse. so i did, and they decided to get a bit stronger. since we live about 45 minutes away from the hospital, our doctor had given us instructions to call him when the contractions were regularly 8 minutes apart, instead of the normal 5. they never were exactly regular, but for over an hour they had been 6-9 minutes apart, and i was beginning to have to breathe through some of them, so i reluctantly called the doctor (thinking i'd go down to the hospital, and be sent right back home). he told us to come on down within the hour. so josh went back home to grab our camera and few other things, i jumped in the shower and tried desperately not to get my hopes up.

in hindsight i think it was funny that neither of us really knew that it was true labor. i remember saying to josh on our way to the hospital, "we may just be coming home with a baby in the backseat!" and he said, "maybe."

it was in the car that the contractions really began to get more intense. we parked the car and hurried up to the birthing center of the hospital before another one gripped me. we were admitted at 5.00, i was checked and told i was 5 cm dilated and that i would be having a baby that day! from that point on, things are a little blurry because all of a sudden the contractions seemed to just take over my body, barely letting up enough for me to get a breath in. i remember trying to breathe through them, concentrating so hard, and yet never quite feeling like i was on top of the pain. i was moved to the delivery room where a bunch of nurses were busily getting everything ready. i had 2 on my right trying to administer an IV, but unable to find a good vein, and 1 on my left drawing blood and all the while i was trying so hard not to move but all i wanted to do was crawl out of my body. josh told me later that i was thrashing around so badly that it looked as if i was possesed! i had been planning on waiting as long as i could before asking for any kind of drug, and 5 cm seemed like so little, but i broke down and kind of whimpered, "when can i get an epidural?" they called the anesthesiologist and meanwhile gave me a bit of phentanol in my IV which didn't do anything for the pain, it only made me feel kind of tipsy. when the anesthesiologist arrived, i wanted to kiss the dear man's hand. it was the oddest feeling, that needle going towards my spine, but after it was done and i lay back waiting for the next contraction, it never came. the nurse then said, "did you know that you're having a contraction right now?" and i was like "I AM???!!!" it was lovely. josh put a relaxing worship cd in the player and i just layed back and enjoyed the rest of the experience. right after my epidural, the nurse checked me again and was astonished that i was already at 9 cm! she called the doctor pronto, who came in and broke my water...several moments later, i was at 10cm and ready to push! now that i know i was dilating so quickly, it's little wonder i couldn't bear those contractions earlier. i thought i was still at 5 or 6 cm when i asked for the epidural and, in reality, i was probably at 8cm by then.

there was a small amount of meconium in the amniotic fluid, so my doctor expained to me that after he was delivered, the nurses would have to take him immediately and suction his lungs and stomach and do a few tests on him, so i wouldn't be able to hold him right away. however, they would do all of that in the very same room as me so i could watch him. well, that epidural was splendid, but unfortunatley, it didn't allow me the feeling of the urge to push, so every time i had a contraction, josh and the nurse would have to tell me to push. i pushed for 2 1/2 hours. josh reported that he could see some of his head and that he had dark hair! partway through my doctor ordered my epidural to be reduced by half, then later reduced even more just so that i would feel some pressure indicating that i should push. all of that pushing still couldn't get his head out, so my doctor gave me a choice. he said i could push for another hour and if no progress was made, he'd use the vaccuum, or i could go ahead and have him use the vaccuum right away and he'd be out in 2 pushes. i was so exhausted after all of that pushing, so josh and i decided to allow him to use the vaccuum...and he was out in 2 pushes! they whisked him away to do all kinds of things to him while i was getting stitched up. i just lay there watching my little baby with tears of awe streaming down my face. josh got some great pictures of his first moments outside the womb. there were more tests than i realized, so i was able to call my mom while i waited to hold him in my arms. finally he was ready and i got to hold him right next to my skin and even feed him a little bit. then it was josh's turn and then joshs' parents and rob and jessica, who had been waiting in the waiting room the whole time, came in to greet the newest little stew.

we stayed that night and the next night at the hospital. we had wonderful nurses there and horrible food :) tristan was coughing up a lot of mucus and gagging on it that first night, so they did a lavage on his little tummy and got a lot of it out. the only other hiccup was that, after the initial feeding right after delivery, he didn't seem too interested in eating. he would literally fall asleep mid-suck. thankfully there is a wonderful woman in our church named barb who is a lactation consultant and she was able to come to our house and help me get him going. now it seems he never wants to stop feeding! he is very alert when he is awake and has the most beatiful gray/blue eyes. he rarely fusses and gives us plenty of warning before letting himself really cry. he loves laying on his tummy on his daddy's chest and having his hair combed. even though he doesn't know his hand belong to him yet, he sucks on his fingers in his sleep! we are completely smitten with him. i feel as if my heart has just opened up and swallowed him whole, never to let him go.

of course, i am struggling with the sleep issue. some nights i only get a few hours in. that, combined with all of the extra hormones have made me extra emotional. after not having pms for the past 10 months, i now feel like my body is making up for lost time! i could cry buckets at any moment, it's really quite crazy. however, i am not feeling depressed at all. just tired and happy and sometimes frustrated and worried. i think those emotions are what all moms feel a lot of the time.

one last thing before my right leg decides to fall asleep: josh and i have discussed at length the privacy issues of having a public blog. both of us have decided that we would rather have pictures of our precious son kept private for the exclusive viewing of the people we know and have actually met. this has nothing to do with me being worried about any of my "blogger friends" that i have never met...we just need to draw the line somewhere. this blog, nothingbutbluesky will continue to be my blog and it will be kept public. i am going to create a new blog that will be private and that is where i will post pictures of tristan. in order to view this blog, i will need to enter your email address onto a list of "safe" people. so, if you do not have my email address, chances are i do not have yours. please comment on this post and leave your email address in the comment. i promise i will delete your comment as soon as i have read it so that your email will not be sitting out on this public site. is this clear to everyone? the picture blog has not been created yet...it's on my list of things to do very soon!

my little precious bundle is ready for breakfast, so i have to go. i'll let you know as soon i create the new picture blog.

one more picture

hey, we're home! we actually got home yesterday, but this is the first chance i've had to sit down and blog a teensy bit, though josh and i went through all of your comments this morning...made us feel like super stars with so many congratulations! anyhow, i will share the whole birthing story another time. for now, here is a picture of our suave looking son, fresh from a sponge bath with daddy-combed hair. we are so proud of him & can't get enough of just gazing at him. yes, there is a lot to get used to, but we're up for the challenge and loving it. thanks for all of your words of encouragement. like i said, will blog more soon.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Meet Tristan!

Beautiful, isn't he?!?

a New Years Baby!!

I just received news, that little Tristan arrived this evening!
I will save the details for Heidi to announce, but wanted to pass along that he arrived tonight, January 1, 2007, at 9:45 pm, weighing 7 pounds 8 ounces.

Welcome to the world little Tristan, we love you, and can't wait to see you!

Check back soon for updates!

Love an honorary 'Auntie' Leah

an unforgettable new years eve

just a quick post to let everyone know that he's not here yet. i kinda feel like i need to blog more often to keep this updated, otherwise if i miss a few days, you'll think i'm in labor! i actually have plans all set to keep you updated when i'm having him. my people will not let you down.

pretty much the entire day yesterday was spent with me in agony from indigestion/stomach cramps. i threw up a couple of times, but that didn't ease the pain. i ended up calling my doctor to see if this could perhaps be labor (better safe than sorry) but he said if the pains last longer than 90 seconds at a time, then they're not contractions. he did give me the ok to have a bath, though which i enjoyed thoroughly. after the vomiting stopped (oooh, my blog is turning out to be such a disgusting place to visit, isn't it) i then pretty much felt the urge to sit on the toilet for the rest of the night. to bed at 10.00 (with visits to the bathroom until 2.00) and i think that this is the first year since i was like 8 years old that i haven't rung in the new year.

i feel bad for poor tristan who has nothing to eat in there. i am slowly sipping on a breakfast shake (frozen berries, yogurt, milk and a banana) but if i drink too much at once my tummy feels queasy again. of course i have read in all of the pregnancy books that indigestion and stomach cramping can be the pre-cursor to labor. however, i do not need another idea in my head to make me feel more impatient, so i have decided to think of him being born on january 19th, which is one week after his due date, and the day i would be induced. that's less than 3 weeks away, though it seems like an eternity to me.

perhaps next time i will be able to find something to blog about other than gross bodily fluids and impatience. :)

oh yeah, and happy new year everyone...and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my friend leah in thailand, who has seemingly dropped off the face of the earth since november. comment, would you so that we know you're alive!