still waiting

i just noticed, while reading my archives that i was doing some serious waiting before tristan was born as well, even though he was 2 weeks early. isn't it funny how the wait seems so long and then, when whatever it is you are waiting for finally happens, you seem to completely forget how long it took? all that waiting time is reduced to a mere moment in your memory. it happened that way when josh and i were engaged as well. we were waiting and waiting for our fiance visa to come through so that we could legally be married. i clearly remember the agony of not knowing exactly when we could be together, but the amount of time it took for us to finally be married is not something i remember. there is only "before we were married" and now "after we were married." just as soon there will be "after samuel was born" and the seemingly long moments leading up to his birth will be flattened like a pancake into "before samuel was born."

i also noticed from my archives that the very day that i finally gave up on waiting and wondering was the day that tristan was born. i actually wrote on my blog that i would no longer expect him to come any day; rather i would expect him to come one week after his due date. and so, i am going to publicly write that i will now expect samuel to arrive on june 15th, one week after his due date, and the day i would be induced. (there. i've written it. he can come now.)

josh and i enjoyed one last evening alone together last night at the movies. it was silly of me to be so brave as to bring only my cane with me into the theater. by the time i had walked from the car to the theater, i was already wishing we had just brought the darn wheelchair. i ended up holding onto one of josh's hands with all my might while my other hand white knuckled my cane. my leg ached for about the first half of the movie, but it was all worth it. i got josh to pull the car up to the curb afterwards, which was much nicer. and then we stopped at jack in the box for milkshakes on the way home and promptly fell into bed exhausted at 10:30. so much for living it up without the kid at home!

tristan is now on his way home after a fun-filled day with his grandparents. do you ever get to the point where you don't miss your kids anymore when they're gone? i'm staring at the clock, willing it to go faster so that i can get a big fat hug from him. the house seems so blessedly quiet when he first leaves and then once he's been gone for awhile it just seems so empty.

with my new mind frame of expecting him to come on june 15th, perhaps i'll think of something other than pregnant stuff to blog about next time. oh, who am i kidding. every day i'll still wake up thinking "today could be the day!" and every night i will go to bed slightly more disappointed than the night before.

nope

mildly painful contractions sporadically throughout the afternoon and evening yesterday. went to bed and woke up at 1:30am with such a painful one that i was moaning in my sleep! lay there waiting for the next one to arrive, my mind spinning with the last minute things we needed to grab on our way to the hospital and i must have fallen back asleep because i don't remember having any more at all.

tonight tristan is spending the night at josh's parents' house, so this morning josh suggested going to see a movie together. i think that sounds just perfect to keep our minds off of waiting. plus i know it will be a long while after samuel is born before we'll be able to go enjoy a date night.

thanks for all of your encouraging comments! i think i said this right around tristan's birth as well, but i never really realized how many people read my blog until its about time to have a baby!

false hope?

saw the dr. again this morning. measuring my uturus, he guessed that the baby is around 6lbs. that sounds SO tiny to me! then he checked my cervix, and just as disappointment began filling me while i heard him say "still 2cm dilated and 70% effaced" he began doing something, i'm still not quite sure what, except that it sort of felt like what i've heard stripping membranes feels like. and then he said "okay, now after this you will most likely feel some cramping and experience light bleeding. the cramping may turn into painful contractions and you may very well go into labor tonight." he said this while giving me a conspiratorial smile. all i could say was "wow, THANK you!" he said he'll be working at the hospital on saturday, so he may just deliver my baby, and then said, "but there's a good chance you'll have him tomorrow." and then when i asked him how long he'd let me go past my due date before inducing labor, he told me, "well, we'd usually only let you go until 41 weeks, but don't worry, you won't go overdue."

this doctor is so freaking optimistic that it almost bothers me! i mean, what if i DON'T go into labor tonight? what if i DO go overdue? i'd be pretty upset because, i tell you, how can you not get your hopes up when an experienced obstetrician is feeding you all sorts of hope?

i called josh after the appointment and he said "oh GREAT! now i won't be able to sleep a wink tonight!"

so far i've definitely felt a lot of cramping. my contractions continue to feel very strong and quite long as well (some over 2 minutes), though not consistant nor terribly painful. it is my plan to stay off of my behind as much as possible for the rest of the day, as well as to do the most exercise i can do at this point, which is to go up and down the stairs on my bum.

and yes, of course i will continue to keep you posted :)

just checking in...

just wanted to let you know in case you're checking...no baby yet. still haven't felt any contractions like the ones i was having on monday. today they've been a little more achey, but i hate to think too far into things because my due date is still over 2 weeks away.

saw my doctor on thursday who guesstimated that i'd deliver this month instead of in june! also had another leg x-ray on friday, which showed that my tibia has healed so well around the rod that i have permission to bear 100% of my weight on my leg again! that being said, its a totally different matter telling my brain that its okay to do so. i've practiced walking and find that no matter how hard i try to tell myself NOT to limp, i just can't help it. it still feels sore when i put all of my weight on it. i'm also going to try to begin using a cane soon instead of the walker. but for now, the thought of my weak leg giving out, causing me to fall on my baby bump horrifies me, so i'm thinking i'll mainly use the walker until he is born and just keep practicing walking without it in the safety of my own home. as for the other bone that was broken, my fibula, it hasn't even begun to meet back together yet! the space where the fracture happened is huge and my orthopedic doctor told me that there is a good chance it won't ever heal. however, since the rod will stay in my leg, and the fibula is only responsible for bearing 8% of my body weight, i will be able to walk normally even if it never heals. the 2 screws in my ankle have really been bothering me lately and he told me that in about 6 months they can be removed if they still hurt. i really wish i had a copy of the x-ray to post on here, my leg looks like it belongs to a robot or something with all the metalwork going on in there!

been having wireless issues lately, so the computer is upstairs now, making it more difficult for me to get online. i will, however try to post something before we head down to the hospital so you all know what's going on. failing that, i'll just get josh to post something on my facebook status. after the false alarm on monday, we are both much more anxious to meet our littlest boy. we've also been savoring the last days we have with tristan as our only child. tonight we had ice cream and popcorn while watching "monsters inc." together all snuggled up on the couch. we have the infant seat strapped in the car and the bassinet is all clean and ready in our room. tristan now can see where baby sam will sit and sleep. still, when we ask him exactly where baby sam is, instead of pulling up his shirt and pointing to his own tummy like he used to, he now says "doctor's teebee" which means the ultrasound monitor where i have my non-stress tests done. and, just in case you remember the post where i mentioned that we would be calling the baby ONLY by his full name samuel, i have to say that it didn't take long for samuel to turn into sam, since that is what tristan has decided to call him :)

dress rehearsal

so, who knew that once you've already gone through labor and given birth before, there is still a chance that you can mistake false labor for real labor? well, now i do. i have to say, though that i honestly don't think i could have done things differently.

yesterday around noon, i was craving mcdonald's french fries. my dear sweet husband went out to get them for me (he hasn't had much work again lately) and while tristan napped, josh and i ate greasy, delicious fast food while watching a dvd. i began to notice that my contractions were seriously starting to ache at around 12:30, so i got out the old pen and paper and began marking down the time of each contraction. the pain began in my lower back and then radiated towards my belly, which is exactly the kind of pain i remember having when i was in labor with tristan. these contractions were about 5-6 minutes apart and soon it became apparent that i wasn't able to really concentrate on the dvd, so josh helped me get into the shower and i sat in there for about 20 minutes. after the shower, i just lay in bed for a full hour, really concentrating on the type of pain and the timing of the contractions. they went from coming every 5 minutes to every 4 minutes, so at 2:00 we got our bags in the car, had josh's dad come over to stay with tristan and off we went to the hospital.

i really, really thought that we were going to have a baby that day! even though i've had a ton of braxton hicks over the past few weeks, the pain has never been quite as intense or specifically starting in my lower back. while driving the 45 minutes to the hospital, they kept up at 4 minutes apart and there were even times when i had to breathe through them. once at the hospital, we got a prime parking spot, (thanks to my handicapped placard) and josh wheeled me inside. we got a small room in triage, i got all monitored up and sure enough, the nurse saw that the contractions were now coming every 3 1/2 minutes apart and were quite strong. she checked my cervix and found that i was 2cm dilated and 70% effaced. even though those numbers were a little low, she thought that by the looks of my contractions, i'd progress in no time, so she gave us 2 hours to walk around the halls and try and get things going even more. so, josh and i walked (well, he walked and i did my best with my walker) laps around the labor and delivery ward, looking at the adorable pictures of babies on the walls and hearing the sweet sound of newborn cries coming from various rooms. we rested for awhile, reading magazines, and then off we went walking again.

just before the nurse came back to check on me, i had a gut feeling that we'd be sent home. the contractions felt exactly the same, no more painful or intense, and i knew that if i was progressing i should be feeling more pain. sure enough, when she checked me again i was exactly the same, even though the contractions were still strong. at 6:00 she apologetically told us that we'd have to go home, saying that true labor could happen in a few hours, or in a few days.

we were both disappointed, though i felt a little bit of relief as well. it would have been great timing, since i was exactly 37 weeks and also since josh doesn't have any work right now. however, God knows best and obviously my littlest boy isn't quite ready to come out of his warm cocoon quite yet. as we drove home, i called my mom to tell her not to book the flight that she had been looking at. i noticed, while talking to her that i hadn't had a contraction in 8 minutes. eventually, they became further and further apart and then they no longer hurt at all. i'm thankful for that because i was worried that i'd get NO sleep that night, but i got a good night's rest.

so now its obvious that we can't really rely on the timing of the contractions to know whether or not it's true labor. the nurse's only advice was "you'll know to come in if your water breaks, or if they hurt a whole lot more."

in other news, my son is now going around saying "oh, crap" when things don't go his way. it seems mommy needs to clean up her language even more :)

one of these things is not like the other....

sorry if this grosses anyone out. that's the incision on my right knee where they cut me open to hammer the rod into my knee. you can't see the main incision too well because of the lighting, but that's where the bones came out. then i have 2 small incisions by my ankle and one near my knee where the screws are. the "owie" near my left ankle is also from the accident, i think that's where the clutch hit my leg. so yeah, i guess my future in leg modeling is shot ;) oh, and don't you just love how only my left toes are painted? not much point in painting the other one since i have to wear a tight fitting sock on it pretty much constantly.

in other news, i took my first shower standing up in 10 weeks today! and its hot here. my flowers are wilting.

saw the doctor this morning...

...and he told me i have nothing to worry about. well, FIRST i saw the NST nurse and had a gazillion contractions while being monitored, which she commented on. my doctor, however seemed so unconcerned. he told me that my contractions are a good thing, that calling the hospital isn't necessary since they wouldn't do anything to stop my labor anyway at this point, and that i don't have to wait until i'm 37 weeks to deliver at the hospital closer to us after all! so, good news all around.

tristan was a champ, as usual, happily munching on the crushed ice that the NST nurse always provides him with and playing with his little cars. samuel was sleeping and the nurse wanted him to wake up, so i told tristan to say "boo, sam!" he did, but he said it to the monitor where the baby's ultrasound image shows up. i asked him, "isn't baby sam in mommy's tummy?" and he assured me that no, baby sam lived inside the monitor.

i'll try to keep you updated. the doctor didn't check my cervix today, so i've no idea if these contractions are doing any dilating or effacing. they have slowed down from coming every 5 minutes and are now more spread apart, but boy, they sure don't feel good!

one more tristan story for you: tristan and josh both have a small mole/birthmark at the top of their legs. every time tristan has a bath, he points to his mark and asks to see josh's. the other night, after showing tristan his mark, josh asked "tristan, do you think we're related?" "no!" tristan replied. "well then who am i?" tristan thought for a moment and then said "josh!" hmmm...perhaps its time to call my husband "daddy" whenever tristan is around?

what to do?

josh and tristan just came home from doing some errands and, when i heard tristan knocking on the front door i called out "who is it?" "PIZZA!" was the excited response. he continued to enthusiastically proclaim what we were having for dinner as he pranced around the kitchen and living room, then he settled down on the floor to play with his choo choo trains. i asked him "where's the choo choo going?" and he thought for a moment before saying "eat PIZZA!" i think my boy likes pizza :)


so, i've been having quite a lot of contractions since sunday. because of the prior false alarms i've already had in going down to the hospital, i've mostly just been ignoring them. during my NST yesterday morning, the nurse noticed that i had 4 contractions in the span of about 10 minutes. she looked quite concerned about it, even though i told her i had barely felt them. still, she gave me the same advice i've been given since discharged from the hospital: "if you have 5 or more contractions within an hour, call the hospital."


since that visit, i've felt slightly torn about the whole thing. i had told my OB at my appointment last thursday that i've been having lots of contractions lately and he just shrugged and said "well, that means he'll be on time!" i understand that my pregnancy hasn't been a "normal" pregnancy ever since the accident, and so regular braxton hicks contractions that are normally of no concern, are something to be monitored in my situation. however, i also know from experience that calling the hospital will only result in having to go down there (an hour's drive away), which also involves finding somewhere for tristan to go, packing a bag (which we really SHOULD have packed already!) and probably being told to just go back home after a few hours.


and so, like i said, i've been ignoring them. until today. when you have long contractions every 5 minutes for an hour, that's something that's not so easy to ignore. of course, i wasn't doing much to help the situation, since tristan had just woken up from his nap and i had to haul my belly up the stairs to go get him, haul my belly back down the stairs, then get him something to eat and figuring that i may as well unload the dishwasher while i was in the kitchen. josh came home from work to find me on my spinny chair, putting dishes away and when i told him how often i was contracting, he commanded me to immediately go lay down and rest. and so that's what i've been doing.


i've also been drinking a whole lot of water, which is supposed to help false labor end. it hasn't ended, but its gotten much more sporadic with contractions anywhere from 3-15 minutes apart. the way i see it is, if i'm truly in labor at 36 weeks, do i really want doctors giving me a bunch of icky medicine to make the contractions stop? of course, i'd rather give birth a few weeks down the road, but i don't feel that my baby will be in any danger if he comes now, especially since i was already given those steroid shots right after the accident to help develop his lungs. i also have another NST followed by an OB checkup on thursday, where my doctor may check to see if i'm dilated (apparently they don't like to check before 37 weeks just because simply checking the cervix may cause it to dilate)

and so, all of that to say, i think i'm just going to hang out at home for now, eating pizza with my family, praying that these silly contractions ease up enough to allow me to get a good night's sleep tonight. of course, i'll keep you posted :)

the view from my place on the couch

this is what i see for most of the day. its really not bad as far as views go, especially when a particularly cute little boy decides to go outside to play, showing his mommy just how far he can throw his ball or ride his tricycle. there is my foot in the foreground adorned with a tight white sock to keep the swelling at bay. if you look closely, you can see a little choo-choo train in front of the window, which i assure you manages to escape its box no matter how many times i clean it up during the day. i know the picture isn't clear enough to tell, but back near the left corner of the fence are my pretty pink cosmos happily blooming next to tristan's 2 sunflowers that look like they're ready to burst at any moment.

after nearly 8 weeks of sitting here for most of the day, i have to say that the main feeling i've had is one of contentment. yes, there have been plenty of times where i've felt pain, frustration, panic, anxiety, boredom and just plain sadness. but God has been so wonderful in continuing to answer my prayers and filling my heart with His joy and peace daily. tristan, too has been much more content lately within the confines of the house and backyard. his Independence has been growing, for which i am grateful since the baby will be here soon.

i will be 36 weeks pregnant tomorrow. as much as i've been convinced that little samuel will show up a couple of weeks early much like his older brother, the closer the date looms, the more i pray that he'll stay put until his due date. the healing is coming along, but at a much slower pace that i anticipated. i'm still unable to walk without my walker and i can't envision holding a baby while using a walker; it just wouldn't work! and so, as i sit here on the couch with my leg propped up, feeling my baby boy bumping around in my belly, how could i not feel anything but contentment, knowing that he's safe and sound, and that every day he stays put is a day closer to me walking on my own.

at this very moment, my amazing husband is bustling around in the kitchen, preparing a mother's day feast like no other. i don't know every detail of the menu, but i do know that it will involve steak, salad, rolls and grilled shrimp with a special garlic butter sauce. for dessert: strawberry shortcake (my favorite). gramps has already arrived, presenting me with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers, and josh's parents will be coming soon. my oldest son is taking a nap and my youngest is happily kicking my ribs.

life is good.

watermelon

i have been craving sweet, juicy watermelon for a few days now, ever since i saw an ad in our grocery store flyer that they were on sale. so yesterday, when josh took tristan to pick up a few groceries, i asked him to pick a watermelon up for me. while at the store, he called me and asked "umm, how do you know which one to pick?" i told him the thumping method that i usually use, though i don't have much faith in it, since the watermelons i pick are not always very tasty. "just pick 3 and thump on each one with your finger, and...nevermind. just pick a watermelon that looks good to you." after tristan was asleep, and i was treated to a most luxurious sit-down shower (i tell you, i will NEVER take being clean for granted again; taking a shower while pregnant with a broken leg can be quite the ordeal) all i could think about was biting into a piece of that watermelon.

seeing that my right foot was so swollen it looked like a balloon ready to explode (i'm supposed to keep it elevated as much as possible) didn't deter me from my craving. i set to work cutting up that watermelon until i had a large bowl full of bite sized pieces of juicy pink goodness. i now know that josh will be in charge of all future watermelon purchases. it truly was the best watermelon i've ever tasted! because it was SO good, i felt as if i couldn't stop eating it. i ate a whole lot of it before finally feeling as if i'd had my fill. i suppose i could blame pregnancy brain for causing me to forget how watermelon goes right through a person. i was up every 2 hours or so throughout the night, using the bathroom. of course, frequent peeing sort of comes with the whole pregnancy territory, but this was a bit much. lets not forget that, apart from having to haul my big old belly out of bed like a beached whale trying to find the ocean, i had to then manouver around the bed and to the bathroom with my walker, hopping as i went. yes, hopping which really does not help the full bladder situation.

despite such a sleepless night, i can totally see myself enjoying another heap of watermelon tonight. i'm at the point in my pregnancy where i feel as if i have no control over my cravings. i've had a sweet tooth big time lately, and though i've tried to keep it under control by eating a ton of fruit, there are some days when i just have to chomp through a whole roll of lifesavers before i feel satisfied. if you've been reading my blog for awhile, you may remember that while pregnant with tristan, i gained a whopping 65lbs by giving in to any and every craving i had. this time, i've been much more aware of my weight gain and what i'm eating, but being on near bed-rest for the past 7 weeks has taken its toll. though i'm eating less than i would be if i was more active, i'm really not burning many calories throughout the day, and the weight is really starting to pile on. with just over a month left in my pregnancy, i doubt that i'll surpass my amazing weight gain from last time, but i may be sort of close. just out of interest's sake, i peeked into my archives the other day to find a pregnant picture of myself at around the same point i am now. i found this one and discovered that, though i didn't look as big all around as i do now, my belly sure stuck out a lot further. i wasn't sure what to make of that observation and i know that endless comparing won't do me any good, so i'm going to keep on focusing on eating a good variety of healthy food throughout the day as well as getting off the couch a much as i can without my foot turning into a water balloon again.