Monday, January 10, 2011

the way it is

this past week has felt like one of the longest of my life. in true heidi fashion, i've allowed my mind to run in a million different directions while i wait for the telling ultrasound tomorrow. the way i see it, if i think of all the possible scenarios in advance, i'll be slightly prepared for each one. prepared if there's just one 15 week old baby, prepared if there's 2 babies, prepared if there's a baby and a fibroid, prepared if there's just a fibroid and no baby, prepared if there's a baby with no heartbeat, prepared if there's 3 babies.....but really, who am i kidding? agonizing over it isn't actually preparing me, its really making me more nervous. so i pray for peace, which i receive in boatloads, then proceed to dump the peace out of my mind so that there will be more room for "preparing myself" again. oh, and the dreams! last night i dreamed that they were going to induce me tomorrow, knowing full well that i'm only 11 weeks along. it made perfect sense to me while i was dreaming, except that i was a little bit disappointed that they weren't going to do an ultrasound after all, so i'd have no idea whether i was delivering just 1 baby or not.


its really not that big of a deal. of all the things i could be waiting for this past week, this ranks pretty low on the scale of things to be concerned about. i suppose part of it has to do with the fact that i'm a stay at home mom and lead a pretty mundane life, so there isn't much to take my mind off of it. josh and i have been starting to think of things we can do as a family this summer, taking advantage of the ease of having only 2 kids before the baby is born. it hit me today that samuel has never been to the beach. i had opportunities to take him last year, but he was in the height of his dirt-eating phase and i was worried that there wouldn't be a bit of sand left for everyone else to enjoy once he was through. this year we will definitely take the boys to the beach and to the aquarium as well. my younger brother just got engaged and is planning a september wedding. initially, i just assumed we'd all fly up to canada, but the reality of flying with a newborn who may or may not have their birth certificate in time (which would make customs tricky) is causing us to think that it may just not end up happening. i'd be devastated to miss james and jacelyn's wedding, so as a consolation prize, we're going to see if we can save up and stay overnight somewhere a bit more local instead.

these days i'm usually schlepping around the house in my fluffy blue housecoat, sans makeup and hair in a ponytail. i'm regularly sipping on my ginger tea, occasionally pushing my sea bands bracelets further into my acupressure points, and constantly trying not to breathe through my nose when a smell ~any smell drifts by. (i've been close to passing out, holding my breath while changing samuel's poopy diapers before). i try not to count down the hours till bedtime until its past noon and sometimes the thought of playing outside with the boys lures me into the sunshine instead of staying bundled up on the couch. the idea of planning dinner (never mind a week's worth of dinners) is sometimes so daunting and nausea inducing that i tell myself its okay to have hot dogs or scrambled eggs or nothing for dinner again. my poor husband is learning not to ask "what's wrong?" or "how are you feeling?" because the answer is always the same. i'm pretty sure he's counting down the days till my second trimester as diligently as i am. i promise i'm not complaining; i'm just recording the way i feel now for posterity or something. after all, this is my last pregnancy and i want to be sure to remember every moment of it, pleasant or not.


11 comments:

sedachfamily said...

Ah, Heidi. I'm praying for you. Sending lots of love your way!

Kathy said...

Ack. Worry. Why do some of us feel it prepares us somehow. Me too. Praying for you and your test. Praying too that peace holds on to you.

natashakay said...

Maybe I shouldn't fuel the fire but if you're extra nauseous...that's another sign of multiples! I had double the nausea-causing hormone because of the two babes and it was insane. I threw up 12 times a day -- while ON dyclectin. Was nearly hospitalized when I went off it thinking it wasn't working!

Come on! Twins are FUN! Go big or go home, right?! ;)

kelly ens said...

oh Heidi - tough days. Praying that your morning sickness subsides soon. and that your ultrasound goes well. AND that you are able to sleep tonight without worry or dreams.

Kari said...

Heidi- I'm thinking of you and praying for you! Please keep us updated once you find out tomorrow. I cannot even imagine! Is Josh able to come with you to the ultrasound? What about the boys?
I SO remember dreading making dinner and wondering if we could just all eat ramon noodles or mac and cheese every night. Uggg, and the smells! Oh, and just so you know- I was WAY more sick with this little guy than Coranelle and there is just one of him!
That first trimester seemed SO long, but I have already forgotten about it. You'll feel better soon! One sort of healthy meal I could get down was eggs with some sliced red potatoes cooked in olive oil. I ate a lot of that with some cheese and salsa on top!

Thinking of you! Wishing I could help you out! Hugs!

Anneliese said...

Hope you sleep well tonite and that your nausea goes away soon. It sounds like you should almost be over the hump. All the best tomorrow.

Grandma J. said...

Praying for a good sleep and supernatural peace for you tonight. XO

Neha said...

Hoping and praying you feel better soon! Take care and relax. Hope the reports come okay too!

Love and prayers :)

Jessica said...

Thinking of you alot!

villagegirl said...

Ok...I just read this post and nearly jumped out of my skin when I read about your brother. Apparently he's marrying my neice. :) !!
Small, small world.
As for the nausea. I'm so sorry. I do hope it disappears quickly!

adam said...

really enjoy your posts, Heidi. Thanks for being so genuine.

Jodi Woodden