the way it is

this past week has felt like one of the longest of my life. in true heidi fashion, i've allowed my mind to run in a million different directions while i wait for the telling ultrasound tomorrow. the way i see it, if i think of all the possible scenarios in advance, i'll be slightly prepared for each one. prepared if there's just one 15 week old baby, prepared if there's 2 babies, prepared if there's a baby and a fibroid, prepared if there's just a fibroid and no baby, prepared if there's a baby with no heartbeat, prepared if there's 3 babies.....but really, who am i kidding? agonizing over it isn't actually preparing me, its really making me more nervous. so i pray for peace, which i receive in boatloads, then proceed to dump the peace out of my mind so that there will be more room for "preparing myself" again. oh, and the dreams! last night i dreamed that they were going to induce me tomorrow, knowing full well that i'm only 11 weeks along. it made perfect sense to me while i was dreaming, except that i was a little bit disappointed that they weren't going to do an ultrasound after all, so i'd have no idea whether i was delivering just 1 baby or not.


its really not that big of a deal. of all the things i could be waiting for this past week, this ranks pretty low on the scale of things to be concerned about. i suppose part of it has to do with the fact that i'm a stay at home mom and lead a pretty mundane life, so there isn't much to take my mind off of it. josh and i have been starting to think of things we can do as a family this summer, taking advantage of the ease of having only 2 kids before the baby is born. it hit me today that samuel has never been to the beach. i had opportunities to take him last year, but he was in the height of his dirt-eating phase and i was worried that there wouldn't be a bit of sand left for everyone else to enjoy once he was through. this year we will definitely take the boys to the beach and to the aquarium as well. my younger brother just got engaged and is planning a september wedding. initially, i just assumed we'd all fly up to canada, but the reality of flying with a newborn who may or may not have their birth certificate in time (which would make customs tricky) is causing us to think that it may just not end up happening. i'd be devastated to miss james and jacelyn's wedding, so as a consolation prize, we're going to see if we can save up and stay overnight somewhere a bit more local instead.

these days i'm usually schlepping around the house in my fluffy blue housecoat, sans makeup and hair in a ponytail. i'm regularly sipping on my ginger tea, occasionally pushing my sea bands bracelets further into my acupressure points, and constantly trying not to breathe through my nose when a smell ~any smell drifts by. (i've been close to passing out, holding my breath while changing samuel's poopy diapers before). i try not to count down the hours till bedtime until its past noon and sometimes the thought of playing outside with the boys lures me into the sunshine instead of staying bundled up on the couch. the idea of planning dinner (never mind a week's worth of dinners) is sometimes so daunting and nausea inducing that i tell myself its okay to have hot dogs or scrambled eggs or nothing for dinner again. my poor husband is learning not to ask "what's wrong?" or "how are you feeling?" because the answer is always the same. i'm pretty sure he's counting down the days till my second trimester as diligently as i am. i promise i'm not complaining; i'm just recording the way i feel now for posterity or something. after all, this is my last pregnancy and i want to be sure to remember every moment of it, pleasant or not.