nesting & blooming

my first flower from the seeds that i planted months ago has bloomed! i can see this cheery cosmos flower from my usual spot on the couch and it makes me smile. other than the cosmos, tristan's sunflowers and a few snapdragons, nothing much else has made it. my zinnias have all burnt to a crisp and the pretty little nameless flowers that my parents bought us are all brown and shriveled as well. finding flowers that grow well in this climate is proving to be a bit challenging, but i'll keep on trying out new things because i'm sick to death of geraniums!

oftentimes i feel as if i'll have one good day followed by one bad day in regards to pain and sometimes my mood. yesterday, however was a very good day and today is so far following suit. its the first day that i'm actually downstairs during tristan's nap. normally i stay upstairs while he is sleeping so that i don't have to go all the way upstairs again once he wakes up. today, however, i really didn't feel like napping in bed ( had a lovely nap yesterday which made us late for my doctor's appointment) and the book i was reading wasn't grabbing me, so i made my way down the stairs on my bum and hobbled about like an old granny with my walker as i dusted the living room. such a small accomplishment, but it feels good. i'm still not walking on my own, but i can feel my grip on the walker lessen gradually as i put more and more faith in my leg. my goal is to be wheelchairless this saturday for the ladies' tea at our church, which means that i'll be able to sit at the table like a normal person!

i'm still having contractions every day, which are more of a nuisance than anything else. i highly doubt they are doing much of anything to my cervix, but if they are, that wouldn't be much different from my last pregnancy in which i was 2cm dilated for weeks. i'm now 34 weeks, which is a big "magic number" in terms of delivering a healthy baby. of course, we don't want him out just yet; 37 weeks is the big goal, which is when i'll be able to deliver at a hospital closer to us rather than the one that i stayed in for a week because of their fabulous NICU. samuel seems to be sleeping for longer periods of time at this point. yesterday, during my NST, we were there for an hour while the nurse kept trying to wake him up, finally resorting to putting a little buzzer next to my belly. that bothered him greatly, getting his heart rate way up, which was the point of the whole thing, but then it wouldn't come back down. his movements seem more muted as well, which i assume is because its getting pretty tight in there. i do remember tristan moving around quite a bit more at this point, so my hope is that samuel will be a much better sleeper ;)

my urge to nest has begun already. i'm dying to get my hands on the bin of 0-3 month clothing that tristan wore, and sort through it along with the newer outfits samuel got from the shower. i want to get his room all ready, with the newborn diapers set out on the changing table next to the wipes and baby powder. i want to see the crib set up with freshly washed sheets and his brand new cowboy blankets waiting to cover him. at this point i think i'll just be limited to going through the clothes and that will have to do for now. perhaps i'll have a chance to hang them up in his closet one day soon...(sigh) its at times like this that i really do not like living in a 2 storey house.

6 1/2 weeks...

...since the accident. and 6 1/2 weeks until my due date. think little samuel can hold out that long? since tristan was born 2 weeks early, and since samuel is already measuring a little larger than average, i'm of the mind frame that he will be born somewhat early. my dear husband, on the other hand, insists that not only will he be born in june, but that he will be born specifically on june 10th. that is TWO whole days past my due date. seriously. you want to know the reason? i'll tell you as i roll my eyes...josh's gramps' birthday is on june 12th, josh's dad's birthday is on june 14th and josh's birthday is on june 16th. something about having his son's birthday fall in line with the other men's birthdays in his family appeals to josh. i suppose i should be thankful that he isn't insistent that i keep the baby inside of me until june 18th! of course i'd prefer to have this baby early, for many reasons, not the least of which has to do with the fact that i don't want to deliver a 10 lb baby. may is also my favorite month of the year, which makes having a may baby seem perfect in my mind. so we shall see who "wins"....

i saw my orthopedic dr. on monday and had an x-ray to see how my leg is healing. the bones on either side of the rod have begun meeting again, though the fracture line is still very apparent. i am, however "allowed" to begin bearing weight on my leg, which scares me a little! i don't have a specific time frame in which i have to be walking; my doctor was very kind and told me just to take it at my own pace, especially since i'm pregnant. so i've been testing it out little bit by little bit while still using my walker. it feels so strange! it feels sort of tingly at first and then a bit painful and distinctly odd because my right leg is so much weaker than my left at this point ( i have NO calf muscle left!) so i'm glad i'm easing into it slowly. of course, there is motivation for me to become more mobile, what with a new baby to tend to soon, but the lack of pain medication is making me a little more timid than i might be otherwise. still, the light at the end of the tunnel is growing stronger every day.

blessings & pain

yesterday i was blessed to enjoy a baby shower thrown for me and samuel at my church. i honestly didn't know what to expect since this is my second boy and all, but i was completely blown away not only by how many people attended, but also at how much stuff we got! i think we now have enough diapers to keep samuel's bum dry for his first year of life :) my very talented friend j'lene made the centerpiece of sock flowers and painted a gorgeous wall hanging for the baby's room, amongst other things. my mom in law and sis in law planned the whole thing for me and i had a great time seeing so many friends and feeling almost normal again!

i was exhausted when we got home last night and it just so happened that i ran out of the painkillers i've been taking last night as well. i was told that once my prescription ran out, i'd have to start taking tylenol for the pain. i was preparing myself by slowly reducing the amount and frequency of pills i'd take during the day and i really thought that i had a handle on the pain. well, let me tell you something: tylenol SUCKS!!! i had NO idea how much my body still aches until last night, when i spent most of the night tossing and turning. this afternoon has been a challenge as well. its HOT today (i think its around 90 degrees) and i just feel so uncomfortable. my whiplash pain is the worst, actually, followed by my knee which has been bothering me all week, and then just the general uncomfortableness which comes along with being 33 weeks pregnant. i'm so glad that josh is home today because i've hardly left the couch. of course, having a baby squishing my bladder to a quarter of its normal size isn't helping the matter of trying not to get up unless i have to :)

i hate to complain at all, knowing that i'm so lucky to be alive, but there are just some days that are tougher than others. i have no idea how people who live with chronic pain get through each day.

tomorrow i will get an x-ray and hopefully the doctor will determine whether or not i'll be able to begin bearing weight on my broken leg. i'm hopeful, but at the same time a little nervous about trying to walk while pregnant. just have to take things one step at a time ;)

roller coaster

well, i honestly thought i wouldn't be seeing the inside of a hospital again until i was ready to have this baby, but little samuel insists on getting as much attention as possible. today, during my weekly NST (non stress test) his heart rate dipped down to 80. the nurse immediately alerted the doctor, who immediately alerted the hospital and i was told to get there as soon as possible. despite the fear i felt for my little guy, i also couldn't help but realize that it couldn't have happened on a better day. my sister was at home watching tristan while my friend ginny took me down to the doctor's for my physical therapy appointment and the NST. normally tristan would have been with us, which would not have worked well for going straight to the hospital.

at the hospital i was again hooked up to the monitors with gallons of blue ooze smothered over my tummy. we were there for only an hour and a half, and in that time samuel's heart rate again dropped for a moment. i also had a couple of small contractions while on the monitor, which was good because i felt reassured that the doctor was aware of what i've been feeling daily, and he didn't seem too concerned. after all the monitoring was finished, the doctor did a thorough ultrasound and was pleased to see that samuel is practicing breathing, has plenty of fluid and is quite active. because he shows no signs of stress, the doctor concluded that the baby could have perhaps grabbed or kicked the umbilical cord, which would have caused the decrease in his heart rate. he also checked my cervix to make sure that the contractions weren't causing it to shorten, and everything looks really good. in fact, samuel was hamming it up for the ultrasound, opening his mouth and saying "hi mommy!" i even think i saw him saying "nana nana boo-boo" to us ;) he now weighs approximately 4lbs 11oz and is measuring 33 weeks along, even though he is only 32 weeks and 3 days.

so i am now back at home, enjoying the last couple of hours with my sister who has been an AMAZING help (i suppose i had that much energy when i was 23, but i honestly can't remember!) and i'm just about to hop outside to sit on my chair and watch tristan play golf while cherie waters my flowers. i am again, so very thankful.

p.s. lately tristan has started saying "here you go" when we hand him some food. very cute.

32 weeks & sick boys

this is my (sort of ) 32 week photo. it was taken on friday before our anniversary date, so it was more like 31.5 weeks, but whatever. that day was lovely. josh and i enjoyed some shopping, browsing in bookstores, and a delicious dinner while tristan spent the day and night at his cousins' house. during dinner, josh's throat began feeling a little sore, but thankfully he enjoyed the whole meal before coming home only to rapidly feel worse and worse. the next day we celebrated easter with josh's family and he was feeling so awful that he couldn't even get out of bed to come. tristan, too was looking pretty sad. he had complained of ear pain a couple of nights earlier and by saturday his eyes were red and goopy, and he winced whenever he swallowed. (eventually he gave up swallowing and just began drooling all over himself!)

sunday morning tristan was awake at 3:45. his eyes were so crusty he could barely open them and he had little red bumps starting to appear all over his body. i called the nurse's hotline and got an appointment for both him and josh for that afternoon. a few hours later, those bumps were spreading all over his neck, tummy and legs. needless to say, our family had to miss out on our easter church service this year. the doctors confirmed that tristan has an ear and eye infection, hives and a touch of asthma. josh has an upper respitory infection. both of them are now on antibiotics (tristan on 4 different things!) and feeling slightly better.

my sister arrived last night and is now playing with my son, much to his utter delight. when she wrote to tell me she was flying out to help us for a few days, i told her that the biggest help would be to love and play with my little boy. its a gorgeous day outside and we are feeling adventurous enough to contemplate visiting a park for a little while. i'll have to remember to bring my camera along :)

p.s. when tristan peered at the screen just now and saw my picture, he pointed and said "mommy! mommy walter (walker) mommy boo boo, mommy baby! mommy boo boo owwwww."

good news!

i (and baby samuel inside of me) are back at home! i had contractions during the hour long drive down to the hospital, as well as a few as we were filling out the paperwork. then, at around 2:30pm i was put in a bed and hooked up to some monitors and....nothing happened! we were there for 3 hours and i didn't have one single contraction! i completely attribute it to the prayers going up for us, THANK YOU!!

my cervix is normal, the baby's heart rate is wonderful, and i'll have the results from my blood work tomorrow. God is so good.

i'm exhausted, so its off to bed :)

please pray...

we are just about to leave for the hospital. i've been having mildly painful contractions every 10 minutes or so and the hospital wants me to come down just to make sure i'm not in preterm-labor again. i pray that everything will be ok and that i'll be discharged right away, but i thought a few more prayers couldn't hurt :) i'm only 31 weeks pregnant right now; samuel really needs to stay put for a little while longer.

thank you,
-heidi

choo choo twain

** paragraph spaces don't seem to be working on this post, so i'm using these annoying little **'s instead. (just in case you're wondering)**

tristan got this wooden train set from his cousin johnny last week and it has been such a blessing! i only set up the minimal amount of pieces and he can literally play with it for an hour or so on his own. there was a lot of frustration at the beginning, while he tried to figure out how the magnets stuck together, but i kept showing him and now when 2 cars won't connect i hear him say softly "turn awound!" and when he gets it, a big smile lights up his face.
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even though the train set has made my life easier, there are still plenty of other hours in the day where he is just plain B.O.R.E.D. i got a few great suggestions on facebook the other day (like asking him to "paint" the fence outside with a bucket of water and an old paintbrush), but there are still times when he's throwing a tantrum on the kitchen floor a whole room away from me and all i want to do is pull my hair out. we've watched our fair share of movies, read our fair share of books, and eaten plenty of snacks in order to keep the minutes ticking by at a reasonable speed. yet there is nothing quite as lovely to me as the sound of the front door opening and josh's special whistle, which sends my limp and tearful boy bounding to the door yelling "daddy HOME!" my sister arrives this sunday to stay with us and to basically be our nanny/chauffeur/house cleaner for 4 days. i'm very ready for her to come!
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i had my first physical therapy appointment this morning. hearing my friend ginny refer to her old physical therapist as a "physical terrorist" prepared me for the pain, and i was smart enough to take my painkiller just before leaving home. honestly, it wasn't as bad as i thought! i had a really friendly girl as my therapist who is also from canada and we just kept chatting about all sorts of things while she stretched and pushed and pulled my leg in ways that make me cringe just thinking about it. turns out that i've done a great job with flexing my ankle throughout the day and straightening my leg, but i can't bend my knee worth a crap. so i've got some serious work to do this next week and it ain't gonna feel good! i can begin putting weight on my leg in two weeks and i'd love to be walking shortly after that, so i've definitely got motivation to push through the pain.
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tristan will be having his first ever sleepover at his cousin's house this weekend. sis and rob live an hour away, so it makes me slightly nervous knowing that if he wants to come home, we can't just hop in the car and go pick him up. i'm pretty sure though, that he won't want to come home. i've been telling him about it all week and he's super stoked to be sleeping in johnny's room WITH johnny! he's had about 3 sleepovers at my in law's house since the accident (one just last night) and he has done SO great there! yesterday, when gran came to pick him up, he was all "bye mommy, bye daddy!" and heading out the door before we even had a chance to kiss and hug him! its such a great feeling to know he is happy about going there instead of crying every time we leave like he did the first 2 years of his life. this will make things so much easier once baby samuel arrives.
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our 5th anniversary is at the end of may and, since we have no idea what the future holds at this point, we thought it'd be best to celebrate this weekend and take advantage of tristan being away. we're planning on having dinner at our favorite steakhouse, carvers (which has become a yearly tradition for us) and then going out for a movie before coming back home to enjoy a quiet night and sleeping in! my mouth is already watering for filet mignon and lobster tail! mmmmm...

a picture post

feeling completely unmotivated to write another post, i decided to simply find a few recent tristan-less pictures and post them. (unfortunately, most of the tristan-less pictures are of me) i apologize if this post turns out to be completely boring. first, we have a picture of my seedlings taken at the beginning of the month. i planted cosmos and zinnias in a little windowsill greenhouse, and they grew like crazy right away! while my parents were here, they transplanted them outside in the backyard and i can't wait until the first ones bloom! i also seeded african daisies, bachelor buttons and snapdragons.


here is my dad visiting me at the hospital the day after my parents arrived. asking my dad to pose for a picture is like pulling teeth, so to see him so cheerful here is quite an accomplishment! i look happy because i was thrilled to see my parents and i knew i'd be going home the very next day.

my dad and josh were fiddling around with my just-delivered wheelchair, trying to get the leg extender attached. i almost didn't post this one because the first thing i notice when i look at this picture is the way my bosom practically rests on my belly! i have a very good explanation for this: my most favorite, perfectly supportive $80 bra from nordstroms sadly was cut off of me in the emergency room at the hospital. the only thing i had at home that fit me at this pregnancy-engorged time were nursing bras. anyone who has had to wear a nursing bra knows that while very convenient, they are not the most flattering. i have since remedied the situation by purchasing a cheap version of my most favorite bra, which should serve me well for the next 2 months.


this is my sweet friend irene from church, who came to bring me that beautiful quilt i am holding. she called josh to ask what my favorite colors are before starting on the quilt and when he told her that i like "earthy tones, like green and brown" she was horrified, saying "i CANNOT make heidi a brown quilt!" "she really likes blue too" josh offered, which made her much happier, so a blue quilt was made! it's actually a prayer quilt. little pieces of yarn were added to each yellow rectangle, and then the quilt was brought to church. anyone who wanted to tied a knot in the yarn while saying a prayer for me and for baby samuel. once all the knots were tied, irene delivered the quilt to me at home. i love wrapping it around me in the evenings, feeling as if i'm surrounded by prayer.

a couple of days later, i received a package in the mail from my friend shannon in oklahoma. when she read about the accident, she set to work sewing some teensy tiny little NICU shirts that would fit an extremely premature infant. she wrote that she packed those little shirts in the box with tears, hoping that samuel would stay put so that he wouldn't have to wear them. she also sent some cowboy themed burp cloths, one embroidered with samuel's name, as well as super soft baby washcloths and some toy food for tristan, which she also made herself. i had tears in my eyes opening all of it, so thankful for her thoughtfulness. to see shannon's handiwork for yourself, check out her sewing studio page.

my amazing, hardworking, sometimes sweet and always hot husband is watering my newly planted flowers. he also put 2 long planters down our driveway while i was in the hospital and planted some of my seedlings in them for me. when i stepped out of the car after the drive home, that was the first thing i saw and it made me smile. i wouldn't want to be a single parent, even for one week, yet he did it and never complained. i love him.


and last, but not least, a picture of my dear mom and me. its a little awkward navigating my walker in the backyard, but so worth it to sit and enjoy the evening sun setting, seeing how my flowers have grown and smelling the orange blossoms that waft over our neighbor's fence. the two weeks that my parents spent with us flew by and i am so thankful for every little (and big) thing they did for us. saying goodbye was tough, but i know that my mom will be flying back out here in around 2 more months to help out some more when baby samuel arrives. she is the best.