a new mom's attempt at survival part II: to sleep, perchance to dream

ah, sleep...i vaguely remember so many people giving me a knowing smile when i was pregnant and saying things like, "be sure to sleep as much as you can now because, before you know it, you will be so sleep deprived!" i never really liked such comments. how did they know what MY baby would be like? why couldn't they say something encouraging instead? later, when tristan was about a month old, i remember walking around in a zombie-like state, wondering WHY in the WORLD nobody warned me? instead of throwing a happy baby shower, they should have thrown a mournful gathering where everyone could have explained exactly how painful and emotional and inadequate i was going to feel. i could no longer understand why people got all excited when told the news that we were expecting. why didn't they rather get a concerned look on their faces, while telling me that they'd be praying for me? at least then i might have had SOME clue as to how DIFFICULT it would all be.

before tristan came home from the hospital, we thought we had it all worked out. everyone we knew had used a bassinet for the first few weeks, keeping the baby at arms reach. we, however didn't think that was necessary. we set up his crib in his own room and added little foam "blocks" in the middle, to keep him kind of walled in and cozy. we were sure that by doing this, we wouldn't be awakened so many times by every little noise he made next to our bed. on leaving the hospital, however, the pediatrician recommended that we keep him as close as possible to our bed, in a bassinet. you see, he had swallowed a bit of meconium in utero and was having a lot of it come back out through coughing fits. we were to keep the bassinet angled so that he would have a smaller chance of choking. GREAT! that's what every new parent wants to hear: keep your baby close by so that you can hear if they start choking at night. if that wasn't enough to keep my eyes plastered wide open at night, tristan had a little "episode" when he was five days old. he stopped breathing for awhile and his lips turned blue. josh had to pound on his back to get him going again. then, later that night after i had fed him, it happened again. a phone call to the pediatrician gave us the news that it was only the result of an "immature digestive system" and that it shouldn't happen again. i don't think i've cried so often as i did over that next week. thankfully, my mom was helping us out and she did her best to keep me sane, but i literally lived in fear of my little boy suffocating. all through the night, my tired body slept fitfully, awaking every single hour. if it wasn't time to feed him, i'd turn on the light and put my hand on his chest to feel it rise and fall, or touch his head to make sure it was still warm. to be completely honest, i still check on him every time he naps and if i happen to awaken during the night. a scare like the one we had is not easily forgotten.

well, the day came when my husband told me it was time to move tristan from his "bassinet" (which was really just a plastic storage bin lined with blankets) in our room to his crib in the nursery waaaaay at the other end of the house. i fought it, but in the end he convinced me. "this is what baby monitors are for" he said. he was right; i realized that if i turned the monitor up loud enough, i could actually hear tristan breathing! gradually the volume on the monitor went lower and lower, but that didn't stop my mind from working overtime. when i wasn't giving tristan his middle of the night feeds, i was dreaming about it. actually, in my dreams i was always feeding him in our bed, then putting him beside me and falling asleep. moments later, i'd awaken and madly start ripping at the blankets, trying to find my little baby hidden somewhere in amongst them, probably suffocating. sometimes i'd actually think i had found him and i would walk in my sleep to the nursery, to put him back in his crib. there, i would discover that there was already a baby in the crib. i would look down to see the baby i was holding, discover that my arms were empty and that i had been dreaming, and would go back to bed. this would happen over and over, every night. often i would wake josh up, in a panic, saying "where is he? did you roll over him?" i would dream that he spit up in our bed, so i would get a cloth to wipe it up with, only to find that he wasn't in our bed after all. basically, i didn't have a single good hours sleep for about 8 weeks.

one evening i went to bed early and i suppose i had been dreaming that i was nursing tristan. josh came in the room to go to sleep and i got out of bed with my arms folded in front of me. it was dark and he couldn't see that well, so he asked me what i was doing "i'm just going to put tristan back into bed." puzzled that i seemed to be holding tristan even though josh had just checked on him, he asked me how long i had had him for. "oh, i just finished feeding him" i told josh. at this point, i began to wake up a little and wondered if i was just dreaming, but i felt tristan's head in one hand and his little bum in the other. then i looked down and realized that it wasn't tristan that i was cradling; it was my own chest! yup, he was small enough at that point (and i was big enough) that i suppose his head and my breast were approximately the same size and weight. both josh and i realized at the same time what was going on and we just about killed ourselves laughing. and, of course, the story has since been repeated many times to many people.

the dreams have quieted down quite a bit over the past few weeks, though an occasional one slips through. last night i thought that tristan was sleeping on josh's chest. it was so vivid that i even knew which sleeper he was wearing. i walked to josh's side of the bed and shook him, telling him to "give tristan to me so that i can put him in his crib". by now, josh is used to my nightly rambles, so he pretty much ignored me and turned over. i clued in right away that i had been dreaming. but that still didn't stop me from going to tristan's crib, peering over it, and watching his little chest rise and fall.

lovely time had by all (though it still felt too short)

the day my parents leave is always a little bit emotional for me. they like to get on the road early in the morning, so josh usually leaves for work right around the same time they drive off, and i'm left alone to wander around the empty house, sniffling and feeling homesick. this time, it was even more difficult to say goodbye, knowing that my parents will be missing out on so much of tristan's life. there were tears and then they were gone, but instead of wandering around alone, i had tristan with me to cheer me up with his giggles and coos. a new countdown begins: less than 4 months until we see my family again!

i searched through all of the MANY pictures that were taken last week for one that i could post on this blog. tristan made it into nearly EVERY SINGLE PICTURE, so sorry to those who don't have access, but there will be plenty of pictures showing up on tristan's picture blog. we had a wonderful time, mostly just relaxing and enjoying tristan. i was able to leave tristan with my mom and run a few errands sans bebe, which was lovely. josh and i went out for dinner together one night while my parents watched tristan. my mom and i spent an entire day with tristan out shopping. we got tristan's passport photos taken (a very intersting experience) and his passport is now being expidited so that we can take him with us to canada in july. my dad made his famous pork steak & vegetable dish for us one evening, which was a big hit. oh yes, and what would a visit to ramona be without having lunch at the local boll weevil?

on sunday, we had our pastor dedicate tristan to the Lord during the church service. it worked out well, since my parents just happened to be coming the weekend that it was happening. our pastor had the whole family come up to the front with us (great-gramps, grandparents, aunt & uncle, and cousins too!) which made it really very special. tristan did very well, not making much of a peep even though he was quite tired. the entire sermon was on family, so it all tied in quite well. pastor gary will be leaving our church next month and, since he was also the one who performed our (first) marriage ceremony, we really wanted him to dedicate tristan.

it was lovely just relaxing and having my mom take over a lot of caring for tristan. he fell head over heels in love with her and gave her huge smiles and giggles. tristan also enjoyed my dad, giving him shy smiles every now and then. my mom helped me so much just be encouraging me and showing me different ways of helping him fall sleep. he got so good at taking his naps while she was here that he slept through the night 5 of the 7 nights! he is becoming more and more enjoyable by the day and his little personality is starting to come through. i can't believe he's 12 weeks old already!

yeah, i know i've got to get some pictures up here, my blog is beginning to look a little blah. here's something interesting: josh found my first gray hair a few days ago. i was in total shock. although, i guess i shouldn't be; kids add stress. josh began getting gray hair after we got married and he still blames it on me till this day. one more thing...please be in prayer for my little brother and sister, james and cherie. james just flew over to glasgow, scotland where my sister has been living. they are going to be traveling europe together for the next 6 weeks (i know, drool, drool), so prayers for safety would be appreciated. they'll fly home together in may and my mom will finally have one of her daughters back living in the same country as her :)

a new mom's attempt at survival part I: taking a shower

under normal circumstances, my shower time occurs once my husband arrives home from work. for some reason, i have been unsuccesful in taking a nice, leisurly shower while my baby is asleep. i feel as if he will need me the moment i am fully soaped up and i just think it's worth the wait to be able to enjoy some quiet free time to myself. this morning, however, circumstances changed. tristan had been fed and changed and we were having a little cuddle in the rocking chair while lullabies played softly in his room. i was telling him about all of the fun things we'd do once grandma and grandad arrived, when suddenly he decided that not all of the contents of his stomach were to his liking. under normal circumstances, i am always ready for a little spit up with a burp cloth draped over my shoulder. but, as i said before, circumstances were not normal this morning. i found, to my horror that my hair was draped over my shoulder instead of the burp cloth. lovely chunks of cottage-cheese looking partially digested milk decorated a large portion of my hair and spilled all the way down my arm, onto my leg. keeping my voice low so as not to disturb the culprit, i dabbed at my hair as best as i could and set my little darling down into his crib for nap time.

what to do? obviously i could not walk around all day with dried spit up in my hair, giving me a lingering scent every time i turned my head. the fact of the matter was i had to have a shower, simple as that. i took all of the precautions necessary for such a feat. i waited a full 10 minutes to make sure that tristan was settled and on his way to dreamland. i brought the baby monitor into the bathroom with me and turned it all the way up to it's maximum volume level. then i hurredly rushed into the shower and began to wash up. right around the time that my conditioner had been applied, i realized that i hadn't heard a peep from him at all. perhaps all of this rushing wasn't necessary; perhaps i could take my time. maybe i could actually...shave my legs!! oh, but that would be too much. i hemmed and hawed and, still hearing no peep from the monitor, i lathered up my right leg, feeling quite liberated. i was just beginning to navigate the razor around the tricky part of my ankle when i heard an ear piercing sound emit from the monitor. i didn't even bother to grab a towel, i just ran, dripping wet, through the house as thoughts crowded into my brain: is he wheezing because he's suffocating under a blanket? is he in severe pain due to trapped gas? has he been crying for some time, but i haven't been able to hear him due to the water running? i reached his crib and peeked over the edge, careful not to drip on him. he was fast asleep...didn't even bat an eye. feeling a little foolish, i walked back to the shower, breathing a sigh of relief that all of the shades were still drawn over the windows, allowing nobody to see my little exhibition.

back in the shower, i decided against shaving the other leg. enough decadence for one day. and i vowed never to turn that blasted baby monitor's volume all the way up ever again.

rust, sleep and cookies

here is a picture of the view around our house. yes, it's true that we have beautiful palm trees waving in the wind and a sparkling pond nearby, but i think what strikes most people the first time they visit is all of the CRAP that is laying around this area! across the pond from us live old mr & mrs t. they are wonderful people. mrs. t loves to peek at tristan when we go for walks and she made him a noah's ark quilt. mr t. is a little hard of hearing, but he's always in the mood to chat and has even let me reel in the fish on his line once! the thing is, mr. t has an absolute passion for junk. every saturday he is up early and goes to every garage sale he can find. he has collected so many things over the years, and when he is done with them, well....they stay where he left them. which is all over the beautful hills that surround the pond. there are probably no less than 10 different vehicles abandoned on the property. from the window where i'm sitting i also see a rusted dump truck and various other bits of machinery. the funny thing is, after living here for nearly 2 years, i don't even notice these things anymore. it's as if my eye skims over them and just admires the incredible blue of the sky and the way the sun sparkles off of the water.

well, last post i didn't mention my son's sleeping habits, so i feel that this post i can have another rant: i think i jinxed myself yesterday by posting on his picture blog that his crying for no reason seems to have stopped. oops. yesterday afternoon and evening were NOT fun. i find that for his first nap of the day, he goes down like a dream. second nap (usually around noon) not so easy. third nap, absolutely NO chance. right now he's down for his second nap after crying for an hour and a half (no, i didn't let him cry it out for an hour and a half; i picked him up and sang to him and put his paci back in about a million times and every time he'd fall asleep, 5 minutes later he'd be crying again) he has been sleeping for 45 min. and it's time right now for another feeding. here's where i'm torn...to wake, or not to wake? i'm not asking for advice, since i'm pretty sure half of you would say one thing and half would say another. so i'm going to compromise and wake him up after another 30 min. anyhow, so last night he didn't take any naps from 1:00 onwards. by 8pm i had had it and thankfully i have an absolutely wonderful husband who told me to turn off the baby monitor in our room, put my earplugs in and go to sleep. he stayed up with a crying baby until 10:30, even though he has to get up for work at 5am. seriously, i married the Right Man! i feel sort of bad complaining about tristan's nap issues, since he slept straight through till 5.30 this morning and has been sleeping VERY well at night, but obviously i don't feel bad enough NOT to rant. and so i am.



one thing that i've found helps when i feel so all alone is the discovery that not everyone else has an easy baby. this morning i read kelly's archives to when taeya was tristan's age and found that she too was having nap issues and sleeping sporadically at night. my friend sara just called and told me that her son rarely slept more than 30 minutes at a time during the day for the first 9 months. and then, of course there is dear denise who had 3 colicky babies. it's sort off odd that i derive comfort from other's angst. but it's made me see that it really doesn't last forever, that there is hope after all...this too shall pass.



in between putting tristan's pacifier in and shushing him back to sleep, i made a batch of delicious peanut butter cookies (thanks, lovella for the recipe). it called for trail mix to add to the batter, but since i don't have any on hand, i'm going to drizzle melted chocolate on top of them. mmmm... i was gonna take a picture, but lovella's are much prettier to look at. i'm not all fancy with putting links in my posts, so you'll have to click on it yourself ;)

4 more days till my parents arrive!! and jennifer, i understand that you are enjoying your high dosage of vitamin D, and have no patience for dial up, but i really miss your posts. oh yes, and while i'm shouting out, a great bit CONGRATULATIONS to my best bud darla who just got a job as a student nurse. (for those of you crazy enough not to read her blog, that is)

have a super weekend, everyone.

no pictures, but...

just spent the last 8 minutes waiting for a picture to upload to my blog, and was finally told that it could not happen. gotta love dial up. anyhow, while waiting, i decided to read some of my archives and discovered that 2 years ago, josh and i still lived in our cozy little duplex with a "hobbit hole" for a backyard, we had planted tulips that we just starting to pop up, and i had a job interview that i was quite nervous about. i can remember feeling quite isolated and often lonely (i had been living here for 10 months at the time) and it amazes me how much has changed since then. back then i knew only 3 other bloggers (cara, aimee and denise) and i've got to say that blogging has really been huge for me in keeping touch with my friends and not feeling so far away. i look at my links list now and love the fact that if my cousins from colorado were to visit, i'd know what they've been up to this past year. the last time we saw our niece sarah, she wasn't even walking yet, but i am able to see what her latest phrases and favourite toys are with the click of a button. who knows how many friendships may have fallen in the wayside if we hadn't had the opportunity to share our lives this way. i'm so thankful for the blogging world and for those of you who read and care about what i'm up to.

okay, enough mushy gush. i have been wracking my brain, trying to come up with something bloggable other than my child's sleeping habits. here's something i thought i'd throw out, though i must say i still feel awful every time i think of it. so, last weekend we took tristan to a nearby camp site to visit our friends mike and sara who were camping there with their 3 kids. we're chatting and mike points to a kid's bicycle that has a completely bent back wheel. he says, "look what sara did to ryan's bike!" i put my hand over my mouth and said to sara, "oh no, did you sit on it?" okay, WHY did i say this?? no, i wasn't trying to be funny...i suppose i looked at it and thought "hmmm, that's probably what would have happened if i had sat on it". sara, of course was horrified and screetched "NO!!! i DROVE over it!!!" josh literally shielded me with his arms and said, "stay away from my wife!" luckily for me, sara still likes me (at least i'm hoping she does) and, for the record, she is very slim and wouldn't have been able to damage that bike with her butt if she had tried. and no, i'm not just trying to butter her up.

*josh just called and the first thing he said was "are you blogging?" he shouldn't even have to ask.*

another 8 hour night!!!

...and i'm beginning to think it's not just a fluke. will be extra diligent with the cluster feedings at night. i am booking the tickets RIGHT NOW for our trip to canada. dates are july 12- july 21. we're hoping to do a picnic at a park where anyone who would like to can come on out and hang out with us for an afternoon. 4 more months! i'm so ready to see snow covered mountains again.

sunday with family

johnny wanted to try carrying his baby (named "bob") around in tristan's baby bjorn. the chalk drawings on the ground are kaylee's works of art.

josh and i used to play ping pong when we were at school in england. i really am awful at any type of physical game, and said so to him one day. he came back with "well, at least you look good doing it." i'll always remember that because i think it was one of the first lines he gave me that let me know he really was interested in me. i probably blushed like crazy ;)

sis, rob, josh, then there's johnny in the front and kaylee who is pushing her baby cindy in the stroller. tristan is hiding out sleeping in his stroller.

nope, a full night's sleep was certainly not repeated last night, but hey, i'll take what i can get! yesterday we drove an hour north to visit josh's sister and her family. it's been awhile since we've been up there and we had a great time. it was a HOT day. we walked to their clubhouse and played in the games room for awhile, then came back to the house and sis and i got to chat while the guys took the kids to el pollo loco to bring us back some lunch. after lunch we just chilled..tristan took his naps in whoever's arms he happened to be laying in, and in the evening we all went to wal mart to pick up items for a care package our church is sending to the troops in afghanistan. i was pretty impressed with how well tristan did, being gone all day long. he wasn't the happiest baby i've ever seen, but i was expecting a lot worse.

kaylee and john were both in the "mothering" mood, especially kaylee with her cindy doll. she would put her down for naps and i gave her a couple of tristan's diapers so that she could change her doll too. she'd put cindy under her shirt and when sis asked what she was doing, kaylee very matter-of-factly said, "i'm just breastfeeding." i may have told this story before, but it's worth repeating: when sis was growing up, she lugged her cabbage patch doll around with her everywhere and one day, like kaylee, she had her doll under her shirt. gramps asked sis what she was doing, and she told him she was feeding her baby. "what are you feeding her?" gramps asked. sis thought for a bit, then told him, "pancakes!"

this morning tristan and i took a nice long walk with janet and her son kolby. i really need to get out more and exercise. my goal is to be able to wear the maternity capris that i wore early on in pregnancy...they're a little snug, but i'm dying in this heat with only jeans to wear! one more week till my parents get here...can't wait. they're going to watch tristan so that josh and i can have another date. yipee!

it's 6:45am....

....and my baby boy is just waking up for the first time ALL NIGHT!!! what woke me up was this vast amount of pressure on my chest. wish i could take a picture, but that would be so totally inappropriate :) now, i'm not going to get all crazy here and think that my nights will always be like this because i've a strong feeling that this was just a one time thing...for now. but ahh! precious sleep in my comfy bed. i lay in it for half an hour after i first woke up (after i literally sprinted to his room to check if he was still breathing!) and just basked in the feeling of being in bed without the NEED to be sleeping. lovely.

so, up to sis and rob's today to hang out. that's always a good time. perhaps i'll try to take more pictures that can make it onto this blog..

touchy, touchy

i'm still waiting for the day when i can get over the weather down here. i mean, one day there's frost on the windshield and a few days later it's 80 degrees out and i'm using the AC in my car! i'm not complaining or anything, i'm just wondering when i'll get used to it. the above picture was taken last week on one of the colder days; it was windy and tristan didn't seem to enjoy that walk much at all. yesterday, during one of tristan's amazing naps (!) i re-did the little quiz in the beginning of baby whisperer to see what kind of baby he is. was utterly shocked to find he is a "touchy baby" and, after reading the description, had a major "aha!" moment. touchy babies often cry for no reason, nurse erratically, have difficulty falling asleep, and easily get off schedule. he is also very sensitive to light and noise. this began only a week ago when he startled and began to cry during applause at church. since then, i've found that i can longer have his little lamp on to read by while nursing him at night..he finds the light distracting. so, there you have it: no angel babies here. but of course we love him all the same. oh yes, and i might add that after a very successful nap day yesterday, he only woke up to eat once in the middle of the night!!! today my challenge will be to see if i can keep him on the same routine while at my mother in law's house. something tells me he may be a little aprehensive about sleeping in a crib other than his.

can i write about anything other than my baby and his sleep issues? hmmm...apparently not. cannot think of one single interesting thing to say other than 2 more weeks until my parents visit! that's it, that's all.

and one more..

because we didn't see these cousins very often, the times we did play together are quite vividly etched in my memory. this was taken at chuck e cheese, probably around 86 or 87. i remember meredith's zebra shirt and running after jennifer, watching her long hair seeming to float behind her. funny, jennifer, never thought you were talking about your own ears until i took a closer look at this picture! :) that's my brother andy up top and my other brother james looking a little pouty on the left. looks like this picture was taken shortly after james decided to give himself a haircut. is it just me, or is there a bit of tristan in that face? and, of course there's me with my bowl cut. the shirt i'm wearing had little balloons on the corner and they felt velvety. amazing the details the brain picks up, eh? the other time we played together that i can remember was at grama and grampas house, in the backyard. we played simon says. it might have been just meredith there that day.

anyhow, things are up and down a bit, but i'm getting at least a couple hours of sleep per day into that boy. once he gets less cranky and sleep deprived and more himself, i'm planning on focusing more on the routine (i'm following it now, just a tad loosely in order to at least get him to sleep) happy plans for dinner at josh's folks with jessica and the kids tonight (i feel spoiled..2 dinners in one week!) thanks for your prayers.

just for fun...

dug this picture up from my scrapbook that my mom put together for me (reading what she wrote about me when i was a baby is fascinating!) anyhow, i always have to say "a little fuzzy due to no scanner" but i think you can pretty much make it out. this is a group of pioneer girls out for a bikeride. there's me all smiley with my fluffed out bangs and pink sweatpants in the middle. and one to the right is.....shannon!! that's mainly why i had to post it, i didn't realize i had a picture of us as kids. and then there's aimee second from the left. funny, i can name every one of these girls except for one. makes me kind of wonder what they're up to now. oh yes, and please take note of all of the neon colored shoelaces. ahhh, nostalgia!

well, i have to say that NOW i TOTALLY know why people tell you to make sure and have date nights when you become parents. josh and i had our first official date yesterday and it was fabulous. i say "official" because when tristan was only days old and my mom was here, she and josh's mom watched tristan for an hour in the evening while we went for coffee. we just sat there, not saying much and all i could think of was how bad it hurt to sit down and how long before we could go home so i could make sure tristan was okay. so that night doesn't count. yesterday was a whole nother story. we had "booked" josh's parents weeks in advance, so it was also kind of nice to look forward to. we dropped him off after church, i fed him real quick, then we grabbed lunch and went down the hill to see a matinee, getting starbucks before going in. it just felt so FREEING to be sitting in the car with my husband, not worrying about tristan in the back seat, or calculating the hours until his next feed. we saw "music and lyrics" which was the perfect kind of movie to see, just light and fun. on our way back home, we called to see how he was doing and found out that he had been sleeping for 2 hours!! they told us to take our time, so we came to our house and i got to enjoy a lovely shower & a glass of wine and then we just enjoyed some cuddle time together...no ear out for the monitor, no need to whisper. it was just divine. (by the way, jennifer, i can see you totally gagging throughout this post and i do apologize) when we went to pick him up, tristan was fresh from a bath and asleep in his gran's arms. i'm sure he didn't even know we had left him. we stayed for dinner, then home and put him to bed at 7:00 and he slept till 9:00 this morning. (well, he woke up to eat 4 times at night, but i'm focusing on the positive here)

i'm trying a combination of your suggestions for helping him nap. i find that if i put him down in his crib fussy, he will not calm down for anything and gets even more worked up if i try to keep him there. so the key is to put him down calm. today i put him down after a small snack feed and sang "Jesus loves me" about 10 times. i put a blanket over the window and turned the radio static up louder. he was awake when i put him down, and ohmygosh, he's been in there for 30 minutes and i haven't heard one peep yet! so, things are looking up, i'm not feeling bad anymore for holding him if he wants it, like you all say they're tiny babies for such a short time and i'm trying to just enjoy him instead of stressing about whether i'm doing the right thing or not. i never realized just how uptight i really was until i became a parent! so working on and praying about me just calming down is really helping the most, as are your sweet

comments. thanks so very much for taking the time to offer your words of advice and encouragement. i'm thinking of creating a bumper sticker that reads "blogging keeps me sane" anyone want to buy one?

advice needed (again!)

i've spent the past 2 days trying to combat this issue on my own, with the help of the baby whisperer website, but nothing seems to work. so now, my dear blogger friends, i'm giving you the opportunity to bombard me with advice

so, he hasn't napped in 2 days. he slept for about 20 min on thursday and an hour and a half (which seemed like a miracle) yesterday. as you can imagine, sleepless days lead to fussy nights. (i was trying to calm him from 10.30pm-2am on thursday night)

here's what i've tried:
pat & shush (as per baby whisperer) which leads to me patting and shushing, kneeling next to his crib until his next feed...with him crying nearly constantly. =no sleep

meeting his needs and then letting him "cry it out". i had a hard time doing this one (as per babywise) so i set myself a time limit. 5 min. at first, then i let him cry for 10 min which nearly killed me. he just kept on crying. =no sleep

nursing him to sleep (which is an extra feed) and then quietly putting him in his crib asleep. he sleeps for about 20-30 min and then wakes up crying.

driving him around...tried this yesterday. he sleeps in the car, but wakes up as soon as i stop the car at home, no matter how long i've driven for.

the last thing i just tried out of sheer desparation was to just hold him in my arms and keep a blanket over his eyes to block out any light, patting him in a heartbeat rhythm. he fell asleep for 30 min. woke up because by that time it was time for his next feed already!

when i try to get him to fall asleep in his crib, i do the wind down with the routine..swaddle, sing a little song, pray a little prayer, then lay him down. when he starts to cry i put his pasi in, but he always ends up spitting it out in order to wail his loudest.

baby whisperer would tell me that i'm not getting his cues right and missing that window..that i should be putting him down sooner. i've tried putting him down as soon as i see his first yawn (which is often only 45 min after he's woken up, right after a feed with next to no awake time) and i get the same results.

babywise would tell me that i'm not letting him cry it out long enough; that 20 minutes or more of crying would be a reasonable amount of time. well, i simply don't think i have it in myself to allow that. his cries get more and more dispairing, sometimes he chokes and coughs, and he seems to be getting more wound up rather than winding down. i honestly can't bear to hear it and i would rather try anything else.

without his naps, he isn't the pleasant little baby that he normally is. i had hoped that this would be only temporary, due to his vaccinations on wednesday, but now i'm not so sure. and no, i really don't think it's gas, since once he is out of his crib, he is pretty much happy to just look around, even though he is tired. he doesn't fuss too badly unless he's in his crib.

please help!!!